Cheerful Pence Adds “Caused Spike In Teenage Abortions” to “Gave Whole State More AIDS” on Career Highlight Scrapbook

WASHINGTON, D.C. —  Representatives from the Vice President’s office are confirming at the time of publication that Vice-President Mike Pence has officially added a new entry to his official career highlight scrapbook.  Thanks to a law signed by President Chester A. Arthur, everyone who is elected to a position equivalent to a governor or higher must curate and create an official scrapbook of career highlights that is kept in the Library of Congress. Today, Vice-President Pence made a new entry in the books log, right next to another entry, and labeled it, “Caused a spike in teenage abortions.”

“I just cast the tie breaking vote,” Pence whooped and yelled as he wrote in the scrapbook, “and made it possible for states to defund Planned Parenthood. You know, because of all the abortions? Well the beauty part here is that defunding Planned Parenthood to prevent abortions is like defunding dams to stop floods. So, I’m prettttttty sure in just a few years’ time we’ll see a tremendous spike in teenage abortions.”

Pence could feel the room grow quiet, pensive even. He sensed they couldn’t quite follow his logic. Pence raised a solemn hand, and explained himself.

“You see, Planned Parenthood does perform a lot of abortions every year,” Pence said, “but they also provide free or low-cost contraception and sexual education and training classes. In reality, those things probably prevent more abortions than anything else. But you know, sometimes you gotta do something stupid to score political points with your base, and well, YOLO! Or in this case, YOCTBVTHWO…that’s you only cast tie-breaking votes that hurt women once.”

Pence paused again.

“LOL! That’s totally wrong of me to say,” Pence said while laughing hysterically, “I’m gonna be here awhile. There’s gonna be way more votes like that to come.”

Vice-President Pence then gave the room some examples of the kinds of votes he hopes to cast in the future.

“I’d love to cast the deciding vote on officially declaring the planet 6,000 years old,” Pence said,”and on making it illegal to get an erection without praying first. I’d also like to have the deciding vote on whether a vagina is technically the property of the state, considering that future American citizens are created, or however it works, in there. I don’t really know how it works.”

Pence drew a breath. He smiled, remembering his childhood.

“I was sex-educated the Christian way,” Pence said, “I made out with my cousin until my parents said I couldn’t and then 30 years later my wife got me drunk on our honeymoon and gently guided me inside her, a practice we still keep today, thank you very much. I don’t need to know what her vagina, or any vagina, looks like in order to regulate it.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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