WASHINGTON, D.C. — In perhaps the first sign of a division within the Republican Party that currently controls all three branches of government, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said today that Co-President Donald Trump (R) is putting the GOP’s agenda of destroying the middle class in “serious jeopardy.” Ryan said that the “distractions and obstacles” that Trump’s first month in power have provided to the American people and press are helping to “derail the fundamental job of every Republican,” which he says is “rigging the economy for the rich first, us second, and everyone else, whenever.”
“You know I haven’t cut a single dime from Medicare, and not a dollar from Social Security since Trump’s been in office?! That’s no different than when Obama was president! How can we create synergy between the White House and Congress when every thirty seconds we’re rushing to mop up some mess the co-president makes,” Ryan said at a press conference.
Rep. Ryan said it’s becoming harder and harder to get to the task of privatizing the entire social safety net when Americans want to discuss things like the Republican plan for replacing Obamacare.
“He’s talking about it too much,” Ryan said, “and people have finally realized that we’ve been calling the Affordable Care Act ‘Obamacare’ to make it sound bad to a bunch of partisan voters, but that millions of those same voters actually do depend on it. The president is only making this situation more plain by talking about his Obamacare replacement when we all know full-well the Republican plan for healthcare is to get into the time machine I had built and roll back the clock to 2008. If not in reality, metaphorically speaking.”
The Trump-Russia connection is also “highly unfortunate and distracting,” Ryan said.
“When he’s not pissing people off by allegedly forgetting to include Jewish people in his Holocaust memorial speech or seeming to not know who Frederick Douglass was,” Ryan said, “he’s got serious and deep connections to Russia that we Congressional Republicans won’t be able to ignore forever. He’s had three of his top people quit over allegations of inappropriate Russian connections between his campaign and his administration that’s not even three months old yet. It’s all very distracting.”
Ultimately, Ryan says he’ll do his best to help lead the American people in “ignoring the incompetency and numerous ethical and moral questions” of the Trump presidency thus far. But, he says, Trump has to help him by “not being so distracting.”
“If he’d just shut up and stay out of the way,” Ryan said, “we could get all kinds of tremendous bills to his desk to sign. We control every branch of government! We could pass a law saying that people have to eat regular yellow mustard or they go to Gitmo, and the Democrats can’t stop us. He’s helping to squander the greatest chance we’ve had to unravel this government in a century. And it makes me really sad to not get to do that.”
Speaker Ryan paused for a brief moment, dabbing away a single tear from his right eye.
“I want to destroy the government guys,” Ryan said, his voice cracking, “and Trump’s not helping meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-uh!”
The White House could not be reached for comment, as they were on the other line with Vladimir Putin.