Paul Ryan: Dems’ Political Stunt Holding Up Repealing Obamacare, Benghazi Investigation

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A visually perturbed Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) told reporters late this morning that he was “getting unnerved” at the House Democrats’ sit-in they have staged over the last twenty-four hours on the House floor. Ryan said that the “biggest issue” he has with what he called a “political stunt” the day prior as justification for turning off the cameras that broadcast a feed to C-SPAN, is that it’s a distraction from the “political stunts good, clean, ammo hoarding American patriots” want Congress to focus on instead.

“If anyone knows about political stunts, it’s the Republican Party,” Ryan told reporters, continuing, “In the late 1990’s we created a constitutional crisis over presidential blowjobs. Since his election, we’ve drug Obama through the mud and put him through the wringer over scandal after scandal that never goes anywhere.” Ryan said their behavior over the last twenty years has put Republicans in the unique position to “see political theater coming a mile away” because “that’s literally all we want to do since if we look like we’re enjoying or even doing our jobs in government well, our voters will get pissed and toss out on our asses.”

Ryan told the press that Republicans have “futilely voted to repeal Obamacare about 60 times, each time costing the taxpayers many thousands of dollars” and that the Democrats’ sit-in over gun control legislation that enjoys the overwhelming support of Americans in several polls doesn’t have the support of “the right, Americans” which Ryan said were “Republican Americans, duh doy.”

“Then of course there’s our favorite political stunt, Benghazi,” Ryan said. “Each day that Democrats in this House pull stunt, it takes vital time and resources away from going over the same bullshit talking points and conspiracy theories we’ve chased our tails about for the last four years. Four Americans died that night. Sure, more than seven times that many Americans literally just in the Orlando shooting, and 30,000 Americans die by the end of a gun but BENGHAZI!”

At one point toward the end of the press conference, Mr. Ryan told the reporters that “the truth is that the Democrats are holding up our political stunts with theirs.”

“We hold the majority, and more importantly our party is currently the one trading on the fears of paranoid, scared conservatives who fear change more than they fear a gay Muslim Mexican serving them at Chick-Fil-A,” Ryan said, “therefore we’re the ones who should get to be pulling all the political stunts! Our stunts are better anyway. There’s a difference between our stunts and theirs, and that difference is we’re Republicans, they’re Democrats. That matters because Republicans are real patriots, and Democrats are Cultural Marxist libtards who have libtarded views thanks to their government schooling.”

More Americans have died in gun violence since 1968 than in all U.S. wars combined, according to a recent story published on Vox.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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