WASHINGTON, D.C. — Doctors and security are confirming at this hour that Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-CA) and several members of congress have just been escorted from the premises at a Washington, D.C. area hospital.
The Georgetown Pediatrics and OB/GYN hospital was visited by Ryan and a gang of approximately ten other Republican members of congress just after they left the White House Rose Garden. The Republicans had been celebrating the repeal of Obamacare, which estimates show could cost over twenty million Americans their health insurance. According to several eyewitnesses, Ryan and his cohorts gleefully bounded into the chemotherapy treatment center and starting blaring “Eye of the Tiger” from Ryan’s iPhone.
With unadulterated joy, Ryan walked up to a 12-year-old boy undergoing treatment for leukemia. With reckless abandon, Ryan yanked on the IV line that was connected to the boy’s arm and a machine delivering chemicals aimed at destroying the cancer cells ravaging the young man’s body.
“Boo yah, motherfucker,” Ryan screamed in the kid’s face, “goddamn this feels great! Now I know what delaying a bro-gasm for seven years must feel like. I’d be jizzing fat fuckin’ ropes, son!”
Ryan skipped to another child. This time, it was a little girl who was fighting a rare bone cancer. Ryan asked her if her parents would be able to afford insurance after Obamacare was repealed. The five year old girl shrugged and told him she just hoped her pain went away soon, and that she was thankful for all the nice doctors keeping her alive.
“Hmm, that sounds like a big fat fuckin’ no to me,” Ryan exclaimed just inches from the girl’s face, “and so…on a count of three. One…two…FUCK YOU!”
Ryan yanked the little girl’s IV line out, smashing it down on the ground and stomping on it with both feet.
“Sorry, honey, but now you’re free from the evil grip of the federal government,” Ryan said, patting the little cancer patient on the head.
“But, sir,” the five year old girl said, “aren’t you the federal government too?”
Speaker Ryan laughed.
“Yes, my little pleb-let, I am,” Ryan responded, “what’s your point, dear?”
“Well, you’re just voted to hurt me,” the little girl answered, “and you voted to take away medicine from me and millions more like me. And you’re part of the same federal government. I mean, you’re not even getting rid of Obamacare to put in something that’s totally free market, which would be dumb but least ideologically consistent. You’re just basically hoping a shittier, meaner, sociopath’s delight version of Obamacare passes, but it’s still going to be a lot of federal oversight in the end, right?”
Mr. Ryan’s smile faded.
“My, such big words for a little girl,” he said, condescension dripping from Ryan’s words.
“My mommy and daddy didn’t send me to some stupid Bible school, dude,” the little girl shot back, “so I have a good vocabulary. Like misanthrope. I know what that word means.”
“Oh yeah,” Ryan asked, incredulously.
“I’m looking at one right now,” the little girl said, “and you know what other word I know? Synonym. And I just learned that misanthrope is a synonym for Republican.”
“Yeah, well, like, whatever man,” Ryan said, turning away from the little girl, “I still won. And that’s all that matters.”
Looking around, Ryan noticed for the first time that he was surrounded by sick and/or dying children. He paused, reflecting on the events of the day. Then, he gave himself a high-five.
“Yup, that’s allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll that matters,” Speaker Ryan said. As he left the room, hundred dollar bills from corporate lobbyists and rich donors fell from his buttocks. Aides say he went home that night and pleasured himself to a new issue of his favorite magazine, Libertarian Playboy.
Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.