WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last week, the highly-anticipated report from House Republicans on the September 11th, 2012 terrorist attacks in Benghazi, Libya was released. There has been subsequent outcry from various corners of the political punditry criticizing Republicans for spending millions of dollars trying and failing to ensnare Democratic presumptive frontrunner Hillary Rodham Clinton in scandal. When Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) announced he wanted FBI Director James Comey to testify before the committee, he was accused of continuing a purely political witch hunt at the taxpayers’ expense, but Ryan told reporters this morning he’s worked out a plan to pay for keeping the Benghazi investigation going “forever, and ever, amen.”
“This investigation is like a giant cable knit sweater that someone just keeps knitting, and knitting, and knitting, and knitting,” Ryan told reporters at a Monday morning press conference, “and just like when you unravel a sweater, what we have after spending more than $7 million this last time is a big ol’ pile of nothing.”
Mr. Ryan said he is sympathetic to calls from the public to not waste any more taxpayer money on Benghazi, but said he believes he’s found “the perfect and final solution” to paying for the investigations — gutting Social Security.
“Will some seniors die if they don’t have access to medicine and food,” Ryan asked rhetorically, “sure. But I can’t help but shrug a little bit. Because you know what’s most important in Americans’ lives now? De-legitimizing a political candidate, that’s what. It’s not the economy, the War on Drugs, or systemic racism or gun violence. It’s focusing the entire might of one-half of one-third of the federal government on making sure Hillary Clinton doesn’t become president.”
Ryan says that “sacrificing a few Oldie McOldOlds to the pyre” will be worth it if it keeps Clinton out of office.
“But make no mistake,” Ryan said, “this isn’t some witch hunt focused solely on one person, Hillary Clinton. We are hoping to bring down the entire Democratic Party with this investigation, and frankly we’d go to these extremes for any Democrat.”
It would take “just a 90% cut” to Social Security, Ryan says, to ensure that Congress would always have the funds necessary to keep investigating Benghazi long, long into the future.
“Some have suggested we won’t stop this investigation until Hillary dies,” Ryan said, “but if you think a little something like mortality is going to keep us from finally convicting Hillary Clinton of the crimes we believe she committed in our heads, then you don’t the modern day Republican Party, do you?”
Reached for comment, Republican frontrunner and alleged billionaire Donald J. Trump said he’d “absolutely friggin’ cut the fuck outta” Social Security to fund the Benghazi investigation “in purple-tootery.”