Paul Ryan: May Jobs Report With 280k New Jobs Proves ‘Obamunism’ Doesn’t Work

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When the Department of Labor released its monthly jobs report for May, most economists noted that despite a small lag at the beginning of this year, May’s numbers that show over 280,000 new jobs created is largely a positive sign for economic growth. Even though the unemployment percentage ticked up by a tenth of a point to 5.5%, up from 5.4% in April, the overall impression for May’s jobs report is that more people were looking for work, and a whole lot of people found it. Many who study economics are encouraged by May’s report, but not one Republican Congressman.

Rep. Paul Ryan is in his own words, “deeply concerned” about the rise of what he is calling “Obamunism” — a form of communism that looks awfully a lot like standard, capitalist, free-market Republicanism but since it’s being conducted by a black Democrat, is actually much, much different. “Yes, in years past we Republicans have wailed and harped and moaned about the performance of the economy,” Ryan recently told reporters at a press conference, “and of course my old running mate Mitt Romney promised to have the unemployment rate down to 6% by the end of his first term and we’re already well below that. But that doesn’t mean that this Obamunism isn’t bad for the economy does it?”

Ryan says that Americans shouldn’t be “fooled” by the statistics coming out of the Department of Labor. “Sure, these are the same metrics we have used to measure a president’s performance for decades, and sure these are the same metrics that we swear up and down proves that Jimmy Carter was a terrible president and Ronnie Reagan was the patron saint of the ‘comony, but that doesn’t matter. We’re living in a new age,” Ryan told the press. “So if you use this new, Republican-approved metric where we slice, dice, cherry-pick, and throw in a multitude of factors that are really just semantic arguments, the real unemployment is closer to 85%.”

“For starters,” Rep. Ryan pressed on, “it’s high time we stopped coddling our youth. If they are of working age, they should be counted in our unemployment numbers.” When asked later what age he feels would be appropriate to count, Ryan responded, “If they’re old enough to stand, they’re old enough for Ayn Rand.” Ryan said that even if you believe the numbers from the labor department, they still portend “great economic doom” for the country.

The 2012 Vice-Presidential nominee told reporters that “it’s a dangerous proposition to see a Democrat in the White House and jobs numbers like these” because “they make people actually believe Democrats can be good presidents.” Ryan says that despite all historical evidence pointing toward Democratic presidents actually overseeing higher jobs creation, “real, red-blooded, ammo-hoarding, God-fearing, gay agenda fearing, immigrant bashing patriots know that only Republican presidents know how to handle an economy. Just ask George W. Bush.”

“The bottom line is a simple one,” Ryan said as he was wrapping up his presser. “Republican presidential economy, good. Democratic presidential economy bad. That’s it. That’s the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me One True American God. No matter what the numbers, statistics, historical data, or even your own two eyes tell you, no Democratic president has ever done anything but ruin the economy, kill jobs and obliterate the working class. While ever single Republican president ever has only increased the GDP by a minimum of six hundred percent, cut unemployment to almost zero percent, and if there hadn’t been Democrats in Congress, Reagan may have made every single American rich forever single handed.

So no matter what, just know that as long as a Democrat is in office, we will hate on the numbers. No matter what. Put a Republican in there, and even as the economy is going down in flames, we’ll tell you everything is fine, slash taxes on the wealthy, and sit back and laugh, fiddling away all the while. God Bless America, God Bless the Free Markets, and most importantly, God Bless the Republican Party!”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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