Paul Ryan Looks Forward To Life As Private Sector Misanthrope

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rumors have begun swirling on the Hill that next year might be Speaker of the House Paul Ryan’s final year in Congress. Though Ryan initially denied any plans to resign after the 2018 mid-term elections, at a prayer breakfast in the nation’s capital today, he allowed himself to “do a bit of public daydreaming,” and he told the congregants at the church just what he’d do after he retired from public service.

“I think I’d really like to try my hand at being a private sector misanthrope,” Ryan said. “Because it’s one thing to champion policies that allow rich robber barons to deny basic needs and services to poor people. It’s another thing entirely to be that rich robber baron.”

Speaker Ryan said that while he’s “really and truly been blessed” to serve in Congress, there are other things he’d like to try.

“Don’t get me wrong, I have really and truly been blessed all these years to work in service to our country’s rich and powerful,” Ryan said. “It’s just that I’d like to see how the other half lives. And by the other half, I mean being a part of the very same elitist wealthy cabal of conservatives I’ve been giving blind allegiance to lo these last few years.”

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Mr. Ryan says he is not focused too much on retiring next year, but he does have several items he’d like to “tick off the old legislative bucket list” before he makes any such decisions.

“People always think I just want to gut Social Security and end Medicare, and that’s utterly and completely false,” Ryan said. “I don’t just want to do those things. I also want to make the First Amendment only apply to land owners, make even thinking about abortion illegal once you’ve gotten a boner or lady boner, however those things work…I still don’t know, and I have kids. And I’d really just like to finally get my dream law passed through the House and Senate and onto the president’s desk.”

Ryan, beaming with an ear to ear smile, told the prayer breakfast attendees what his wildest dream as a congressman is.

“I’d love to have the name of the country officially changed to The United States of America for Only White, Evangelical, Conservative Christian Males,” Ryan said. “And with control of all three branches of government, I’d say I’m closer to that dream becoming a reality than ever before.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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