Paul Ryan Slams Obama’s ‘Socialist Assault’ On Economy As It Adds 255k New Jobs

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. economy added 255,000 additional jobs in the month July, according to new Labor Department statistics. Under normal circumstances, this would be reason for bipartisan rejoicing, but Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) says that these numbers are “an ominous sign” that President Barack Obama is in the middle of “an all out socialist assault” on the economy.

At a press conference early in the morning, Ryan said that “no president has a right to oversee this many jobs added to the private sector” without being Republican.

“Frankly, it’s disturbing to me that everyone in the mainstream media isn’t talking about the fact that the president is a Democrat,” Ryan told reporters, “and because of that, any economic indicators that we would normally find good, we find bad. It’s just this simple — Republican good, Democrat bad.”

Senator Mitch McConnell, the Senate Majority Leader, was so skeptical of the jobs report that he has decided to look into an official Senate inquiry.

“I’m just a simple, loose-skinned man,” McConnell said, “but I know that Democratic economic job growth is pure fantasy. Even if the numbers say it’s so, we all know you can’t trust the government. Unless the government is Republican, of course.” Senator McConnell says that he’s “almost certain” that the Labor Department’s numbers are “cooked” and that they might even be related somehow to September 11th, 2012 attacks on an American compound in Benghazi, Libya.

McConnell will call for a full congressional inquiry into the relationship between Benghazi and the July 2016 jobs report later this week, sources say.

“What I want to know,” Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) told reporters, “is just where this Kenyan Communist Sharia Lover gets of keeping unemployment under 5%. When George W. Bush handed off the economy, we had at least double-digit unemployment and were losing almost a million jobs a month.” Gohmert said that the sharp decline in America’s unemployed is “shocking and alarming” because “no president has the authority to take away our unemployed.”

Gohmert said that the Benghazi connection “sounds about correct” but that he would be willing to impeach Obama for it first, and ask questions later.

“Look, maybe we’re measuring these things the same exact way we have for over 30 years and a handful of presidential administrations, but that’s not good enough anymore,” Ryan told the press, “because again, Democrat. Let me reiterate: Democrat. And just one more time: Democrat. Now if you’ll pardon me, I have to go do my part to stop government waste by holding the fifth dozen meaningless Obamacare vote so my Republican colleagues can tell their constituents that they tried to do something about it.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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