WASHINGTON, D.C. — When the Joint Committee on Taxation — a non-partisan, official “scorekeeper” of the tax plans proposed in the Senate — issued a report that anticipates the highly-anticipated Republican tax overhaul plan would add an approximately $1 trillion to the deficit, many presumed that one of Congress’ biggest deficit hawks would cry foul. However, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI), who has long championed austere budgets under his own byline and under the guise of drastically slashing the deficit, instead has continued to back his party’s tax proposal, which the Trump administration is hoping to sign into law before the end of 2017.
This morning at a prayer breakfast in the nation’s capital, Ryan surprised even his most ardent supporters by not only defending the tax plan, but by reversing more than a decade of his own rhetorical aversion to budget deficits and the national debt.
“I know that in the past I have been known as being a rather big stickler for budgets that don’t increase the deficit or the debt,” Ryan told the congregation at the breakfast. “Some would say I’ve been zealous, even overly so, in pursuing a federal government that does very little to help the poor and elderly, directly because of my views on debts and deficits. In fact, I have used my hatred of debt and deficits to justify pretty much turning my back on what my actual Christian values would be, according to the Bible anyway.”
Ryan said that all of his past crusading against deficit spending became “suddenly irrelevant” on January 20th, 2017.
“I have waited a very long time to say this, but,” Ryan started, “Just kidding! I love debt and deficits. So as long as we call them ‘tax cuts for the wealthy’ and ‘military spending,’ of course.”
Speaker Ryan told the churchgoers that he had always secretly loved debt and deficits, but only if there was Republican control of all branches of government, and only if the deficit spending was on things Republicans hold dear.
“I realized that we had a Republican in the White House, Republican control of the House, and Republican control of the Senate, which meant that basically we could do anything we want, regardless of decades of rhetoric one way or the other,” Ryan said.
And so, he decided that as long as wealthy people were getting tax cuts, he didn’t much care about deficits.
“I was alive in the Reagan Eighties,” Ryan said, “but I wasn’t making fiscal policy back then. However, now I can truly see the wisdom of gutting government revenues and not cutting spending at the same time. I can see how much gold will shower down upon the masses, and I honestly don’t care about debts and deficits anymore. So, um, wah-wahhhhhhhhhhhh.”
Ryan snapped his fingers and disappeared in a cloud of hundred dollar bills and fart-smelling smoke.