WASHINGTON, D.C. — Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced this week that he will not seek re-election, and 2018 will be his final year in Congress. When Republican John Boehner left the House of Representatives in 2015, he handed the Speaker’s gavel to Ryan, ushering in what many presumed would be quite a few years of the Wisconsin native leading his party. However, as has gone with much in the Trump era of American politics, those assumptions were ultimately not to come to fruition, and after just three years in the role, Ryan will leave public service altogether.
This morning, Ryan was seen entering the rotunda, and was stopped by reporters. Telling the press he had a case of “short timer syndrome,” Speaker Ryan decided to stop and chat with the reporters. They asked him how he was feeling the day after announcing the end of his congressional career.
“I feel better than I thought I would,” Ryan said as he casually curled a 30 pound weight. “I mean, I’ll always feel like I could’ve done more to help the people who need it the most, but at the end of the day I hope Charles and David Koch feel I helped them at least a little. God knows they need all the help they can in this world of ours.”
Congressman Ryan was asked by one reporter if he plans to take his congressional pension, which is estimated to be around $75,000 annually for the rest of his life. Ryan laughed.
“You know, I thought long and hard about that one. After all, I’d be getting a check, from the government, and I’m done working,” Ryan said. “I know I’ve spent the better part of nearly 20 years railing against people who take handouts. I’ve spent that long doing everything I could to dismantle public and private sector unions that help negotiate fat pensions like the one I’d be collecting. On the one hand, it would be super-duper hypocritical of me to take the taxpayers’ money.”
Ryan paused. He scratched his chin. Then he continued.
“But on the other hand…money,” Ryan said. “If given the choice between money and principles, well, I’ll just pull out my Republican Party membership card and show it to you guys to answer that particular question. But make no mistake, I’m not saying I was wrong about the Poors, I’m just saying maybe there are certain people it’s totally okay for.”
Yet another reporter asked Ryan if he felt any twinges of hypocrisy in taking his pension check after he had fought hard against those who collect welfare checks not working. Ryan smirked.
“No, you see, it was my JOB during those years to do absolutely as little as possible,” Ryan explained. “There was a Democrat in the White House, for God’s sake!”
Speaker Ryan said he ultimately found the justification for taking his pension check in the life of one of his most cherished religious leaders.
“I figured if Ayn Rand could collect Social Security, I could collect my government pension,” Ryan said emphatically.
In the end, Ryan says he hopes his legacy serves to inspire children across the country to follow in his footsteps, which he says prove the American Dream is alive and well, even in 2018.
“I just hope kids all over the country realize my success story can be their success story, because the American Dream is still beating red, white, and blue blood all over this great land,” Ryan said. “The American Dream means anyone can be born with white skin into a wealthy politically connected family, collect Social Security benefits, and then use those political connections to collect taxpayer money for twenty years, and then retire at 48 with a lifelong taxpayer funded pension. It’s super easy. At least it was for me, which is kinda all that matters.”
Ryan made a farting sound with his mouth as he ran off high-fiving himself.