GREEN SPRINGS, NEW YORK — Former New York Governor George Pataki (R), citing low polling numbers and the fact that his own neighbors didn’t know he was running for president, has decided to suspend his 2016 bid for the White House, but on his way out of the race Pataki threw down a challenge to current front runner Donald J. Trump.
“I want that obnoxious bewigged fuckface to lace up gloves and get into a boxing ring with me,” Pataki told reporters at a local bowling alley just hours after announcing he was quitting the race. “That man is a bully. A school yard bully. In my day we dealt with bullies with a good, clean, pop in the mouth.” Governor Pataki made small waves in the polls when he entered the Republican primary earlier this year, but like Scott Walker, Bobby Jindal, and Lindsey Graham before him, he could not help but be crushed by the weight and momentum of the Trump campaign.
Mr. Pataki told the media that he’d “fight that straw-locked eyesore of humanity any time any place” and that he’d even wrestle Trump “in a vat of pudding.” Pataki said “knocking the rhombus shaped block off that idiot’s stooped shoulders” would be a “dream come true after watching him shit all over the process and our party.” Gov. Pataki was particularly “confounded” he said by the fact that so many Republicans support Trump. “You can’t say he doesn’t represent your party when the majority of people responding to polls are supporting him,” Pataki said.
Reached for comment, Mr. Trump first just pantomimed putting his thumb into his own rectal cavity when asked about Pataki’s challenge. When pressed, he made the universal hand gestures for masturbating one’s self. Finally, after six solid minutes of the jack-off gesture, Trump belched, scratched his nose, and made a statement. “I’m not going to fight Pataki with fists,” Trump said, “winners don’t fight losers. My poll numbers? Yooge. Potato-sacky’s numbers? Un-yooge. Not that I have a problem with punching down on losers, because losers need to learn who their masters are — winners. But this would feel sort of, I don’t know, beneath me, to take on some big dope like Popandlocky in an actual fistfight.”
Voters in Iowa and other primary states will begin casting their ballots for the delegates that candidates will receive for the Republican National Convention to be held next summer. Currently, Trump leads in most national polls, though Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) has made some headway of late. With less than a year before the general election, most hypothetical match-up polling also shows every Republican candidate losing to Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders.