Pat Robertson Warns God Will Destroy America if Scouts Let Girls Play With Boys

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — Televangelist Pat Robertson told a podcast audience today that he is “troubled, worried, and sick to death” over the decision recently announced by the Boy Scouts of America to allow girls to join the Cub Scouts. Under the new bylaw, girls would be able to join the scouts and rise in rank up the highest possible, Eagle Scout. Heretofore, girls joining the scouts has been prohibited, though with programs like their Venture outings, the Boy Scouts have been intermingling the sexes for years. Robertson, sees this as a “dangerous, unGodly, immoral” step in the wrong direction for the scouts.

“Let me just say how confused, sad, and truly frightened I am,” Robertson said, “and believe me, as someone who finds the 2oth and 21st centuries nightmarish, this is saying something because I am scared a lot!”

Robertson warned that God will not take kindly to “girls thinking they can tie knots or shoot bows and arrows with boys.”

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“In Genesis, it says very clearly that ‘Thou shall not teach thine girls valuable life skills at the same time as boys in an extracurricular activity,'” Robertson insisted, “or at least I remember reading it in there somewhere. Point is, God’s gonna be mighty mad if this insidious liberal agenda to allow boys and girls to play together doesn’t end soon!”

Mr. Robertson says that America is “playing with Hell Fire these days.” He said that not “putting your whole faith and trust in our Lord and Savior Donald Trump” is “bad enough.” But allowing boys and girls to play together is “tantamount to sticking your dick in God’s mashed potatoes.”

“Nothing makes God angrier than when you let kids play together like they already do in schools every day in every state,” Robertson said, “Believe me. God just hates it when camping trips are co-ed. Oh boy does he hate it. Hate. Hate. Hate.”

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Luckily, Robertson said, he sees a path forward for the country that will take it “away from Satan’s temptations to treat humans the same no matter what junk is in their pantaloons” and toward a more Godly path.

“You want fire and brimstone in your streets, you keep letting boys and girls earn merit badges for helping the elderly together,” Robertson warned, “and if you want Satan himself to literally come up from Hell and fornicate with your daughter in front of you while listening to GANGSTAR RAP, then by all means you keep letting little girls learn how to tie the same knots as the boys learn. But for the rest of us, we will continue to subjugate and objectify women and turn them into sex farm animals, only on the planet to service men and procreate.”

God could not be reached for comment, as his assistant said he was “too busy giving a fuck about stuff that really matters.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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