Pat Robertson: ‘I’m Not Sure Who or What to Blame Texas Flooding On’

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA — The Reverend Pat Robertson admits that these days he’s in a bit of a quandary. “The Good Lord has seen fit to put in my life a real and true moral dilemma,” the aging televangelist told reporters at a recent press conference outside the Virginia Beach, Virginia headquarters of the Christian Broadcasting Network. “That dilemma,” says Robertson, “is just who to blame all the flooding in Texas on.”

Robertson told the press that unlike the 1995 Northridge earthquake and Hurricane Bonnie that hit Florida in 1998 — both natural disasters that the elder evangelical blamed on the regions impacted having embraced homosexuality in some way —  that he “can’t blame the Texas floods on the gays” since the Lone Star State is, according to Robertson, “the most stridently pro-Jesus and anti-gay state out there, by golly by gosh.” Despite his always knowing “just who to blame for all that ails the world,” Robertson says it could take him “a few days to figure out just how to pin the floods on the gays.”

Reporters asked Robertson if the floods could possibly be a sign from God warning Texans against being anti-LGBT so much that they forsake the most important lesson Jesus Christ taught — loving everyone. “The forces of Satan — you know, Democrats and the liberal mainstream media? Well, they’ll ask us ‘gotcha’ questions like this from time to time, and let me just put to rest all this ‘Jesus would have wanted you to love the gays’ crap right now,” Robertson shot back. “Jesus would not have been pro gay, despite what it might look like for a dude to travel around with 12 dudes who just wanted to ‘be close’ to him. And why, you might ask, would the one who brought us agape love be against love of any kind? Because the Bible is what we say it is, and it says what we say it says. It always has been that way, and it always will be that way,” the 85-year-old Robertson said.

“You know, in my day we didn’t have snot-nosed jerks going around using the words of the Bible against us. We were the outright authority on the Bible because we were the ones who traditionally got to control the Bible’s message. We were rich, elite men. That’s who has always controlled the Bible’s messages and themes,” Robertson said. “But that’s all besides the point. The point is that the gays are ruining everything, always bring about natural disasters, and the flooding in Texas is no exception. I just have to figure out exactly how to blame the gays in this case, and I will not be stopped in my quest!”

Robertson scolded reporters for “not remembering that floods are only sent by God when he wants to wipeout humanity, not when he wants to scold his believers for being unsympathic, inhumane garbage people who judge others.” Robertson also reiterated that he knows the Texas floods are the fault of the gays but he “just can’t understand why all the new abortion restrictions didn’t stave off some of God’s wrath” but that ultimately he knows he’ll “sniff out the pro-gay agenda that caused all this tragedy” in Texas.

Since the beginning of May, Texas has received roughly two feet of rain. This heavy downfall has caused such massive flooding that Texas Governor Greg Abbot declared an emergency state, calling the floods “the biggest flood this area of Texas has ever seen.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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