VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — Televangelist Pat Robertson has an ominous warning for America: Stop letting the gays get married, or else God will flood all fifty states. Robertson was speaking on his Monday morning podcast, “Wake Up With Jesus,” when a caller asked him if he felt that hurricanes are in any way a message from God.
“Well, you know,” the octogenarian preacher told the caller, “that’s a mighty fine question. We all know that God’s main weapon of choice for the mass culling of the human race is a flood, so yes, I do think God’s hand is at work there.”
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Robertson said that if he lived in hurricane territory, he’d consider building an ark, like that of Noah, and he’d start putting his and his neighbors pets in the ark, two-by-two.
“I know for a fact that God was so angry about the Supreme Court’s gay marriage decision, that he deliberately waited for almost a couple years and then created Hurricane Harvey as a warning to the rest of us,” Robertson said gravely.
Robertson says that the “sin of allowing adults to lovingly commit to sharing their lives” with another member of the same gender is “a direct slap in the face to the God who sent his only begotten son to come to Earth, not ever get laid, and hang out almost exclusively with a group of twelve other men who professed a deep, abiding love for him.”
Mr. Robertson, whose non-profit megachurch has gotten him an estimated $200 million to $1 billion net worth, said that he “just feels awful about all the smiting God will be doing” but that “Americans should have listened” to him when he warned that this kind of thing could happen if “the court made the egregious and and regrettable decision to treat everyone equally under the law.” However, Robertson said that while it might be too late for the Gulf, the rest of the states could save themselves.
One caller asked Robertson why God chooses a conservative areas like the Gulf, instead of California or Massachusetts to punish for gay marriage.
“The Lord smites in mysterious ways,” Robertson replied.
“Repent,” Robertson shouted into the microphone at his listeners, “and all of this will go away. I promise you that if we all got together and voted out the liberals who are poisoning our youth and our culture with their feelings and so-called ‘desires’ to ‘make life better and more fair’ for everyone, not a single tragedy will befall this great nation.” Robertson added that “if Americans just completely give over to God’s control, elect a suitable Christian and allow that man to craft this country again in God’s will” that “everyone will get richer, there will be peace in the Valley, and literal manna from heaven will drop down for all to feed.”
“Because while 97% of climate scientists agree that climate change is real and there’s a good chance these megastorms are a result of said climate change,” Robertson said, “we know that the unprovable whims of an even more unproven, all powerful force that controls the universe. And so we must pay homage to that power by telling adults they are not allowed to love whomever they want, no matter how much free will God gave you.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.