VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — Televangelist Pat Robertson told listeners of a nightly podcast he does from his home that he’s “extremely worried” and “praying real, real hard for help from Jesus” because he believes he may be personally responsible for causing Hurricane Harvey. The hurricane, which is currently charging toward the Gulf Coast area, threatens to wreak havoc and many worry whether an embroiled and bumbling Trump administration is equipped to handle a response to a large scale disaster. Robertson told his podcast audience that a recent mistake with his cable TV subscription may have put thousands of people’s lives and livelihoods in jeopardy.
“Now, folks, I have to be honest with you,” Robertson said with gravity in his voice, “I am sorry to say, I may be the one to blame for this Hurricane Harvey business. And it’s all because of a mix-up I had with my wife over which talkie we were going to enjoy. I wanted to watch The Jazz Singer again, or maybe Reefer Madness, but my darling wife suggested this movie I’d never heard of, Magic Mike.”
Robertson described his “shock and horror” during his viewing of the film. The televangelist said that he was “mighty troubled” as the plot started to unfold, and he saw the level of sexual innuendo and outright, explicit content as well. He was nervous, but kept watching, Robertson said.
“Well, I thought I was going to be watching a movie about a magician named Michael,” Mr. Robertson explained, exasperation evident in his voice, “which is one of my favorite names from the Bible. But oh golly did I get a surprise by that movie, and because of that movie, I got a surprise woody in my trouser tabernacle!”
Because Jesus Christ kept time with lepers and prostitutes, Robertson says, he decided to “hang in there” with the film, even after he learned that the central character was a stripper.
“Look, who am I to judge, okay? Jesus said to love one another, and I wanted to give this film a chance,” Robertson explained.
However open minded Robertson was about “Magic Mike,” the first scene in which the titular character strips his clothes off proved to be “an overwhelmingly difficult challenge” for Robertson.
“My instinct was to look away, fast,” Robertson said, “But then my other instincts said to just keep right on looking. That actor is a fine specimen, put here by God, and who am I to look away from one of God’s most beautiful creations, right?”
But when he decided to keep watching the scene, that’s when things took a turn for the “sinfully sexy and the confusingly titillating.”
“All of a sudden, from within my pants steeple, there arose a great spirit,” Robertson said, “and also my dick got incredibly hard. Like, crazy super-duper-hard. There is no doubt the scene was sinfully sexy and confusing titillating.”
He told his wife to turn the channel “before something bad happens,” Robertson said, however it might have been too late.
“You know the very next day was when word of Harvey gaining hurricane status came out,” Robertson said, “and we all know that homosexuality is the root of just about everything natural disaster from earthquakes to every iteration of The Real Housewives there has been. So I do not think it is outside the realm of possibility that my tumultuous turgidity caused this!”
Reached for comment, Jesus Hubert Christ, Vice President of Holy Trinity, Inc., just laughed, very hard.
“My dad and I had nothing to do with Hurricane Harvey, and neither did Pat’s silly dick,” Christ said simply, “I’ve got, like, way more important things to worry about than some ninety year old conflicted cock hardening, y’all.”
Hurricane Harvey is expected to make landfall within the next 24 to 48 hours.