VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — As Hurricane Harvey subsides, Houston and the entire Gulf Coast will be recovering from the impact of trillions of gallons of rain dumped on the region in just a matter of days.
Though it’s fairly self-evident that the rain is what is causing the flooding in the city, on a recent episode of his podcast, televangelist Pat Robertson speculated as to why God might have wanted the massive flooding to overtake one of America’s largest cities. Though he initially thought it might have been an erection he got while watching “Magic Mike,” in Robertson’s estimation the most “logical and biblical answer” is that a transgender person recently defecated in a bathroom not designed for their birth gender.
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“Brothers and sisters in Christ,” Robertson told his audience, “we know from the news reports that all over this great nation transgender people are suddenly no longer content to just go through a long, laborious, and challenging gender reassignment process to become the person they believe they are, now they’re demanding they get to poop and pee in the same comfort the rest of us do.” Robertson scoffed, adding, “Now show me in the Constitution, or the Constitution’s Father — the Holy Bible — where it says that men born as ladies and ladies born as men get to pee or poo in the way they choose — other than, like, the entire First Amendment and pretty much the preamble, of course.”
Robertson said that even though the City of Houston defeated an anti-LGBT discrimination bill in 2015, that “some poor sin-filled sinner-faced sinner” must have “snuck into the bathroom they shouldn’t have and released what they called in Genesis a Nineveh Steamer.”
“Of course I don’t have any earthly evidence of this,” Robertson admitted, “but I talk to God all day, every single day. And from the messages I’m getting back from Him, I’m pretty sure a tranny pooping in comfort caused this horrible weather event, and I am just as sure that in no way will we ever find a link between climate change and the frequency and/or severity of these massive storms.”
One caller asked Mr. Robertson if there was anything that “good, clean, Christ loving, God fearing, ammo-hoarding patriots” could do to protect themselves against future storms.
“Should we, like, fortify our bridges, roads, and dams,” the caller asked. Robertson let out a hearty guffaw.
When he had caught his breath, he answered the caller’s question for her.
“Oh you dear, sweet little girl. That’s crazy liberal talk,” Robertson said, “and I defy you to find anywhere in your Bible — that was written in a dead language and has been translated God only knows how many times, altered God only knows how many times, and is pretty much not reliable as a historical text, but more as a fun bit of fantasy fiction — where it says that God or Jesus or liberals.” Robertson then spent five minutes explaining why the man who was a radical, preached loving everyone no matter their sin, and above all things including money, would have been a “hardcore capitalism loving Son of God,” in his words.
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When he had finished explaining that to the caller he said simply, “If you want to protect yourself from these storms, clearly the only thing to do is to get more involved in the peeing and pooping habits of your neighbors.”
“Don’t be afraid to stand outside bathrooms and tell people in the name of God,” Robertson told the caller, “‘I must see your junk. I must smell your crotch. I must put my Holy Hand of Jesus down your pants and squeeze your happy-happy place so I can stop the wrath of God!'”
Reverend Robertson said as he closed the show that he would “not think on anything else but transgender people and their genitalia” for the rest of the day, and that in future podcasts and episodes of his television show he’d have more advice for his audience on living in a “sinful world where human beings are allowed to drop a deuce in the same relative comfort we all can while in a public restroom.”
“The bottom line,” Robertson said, “is that we clearly need more laws that break down the silly walls between Church and State, so that we can use our holy scripture in lieu of law books, and can enforce our own religious-based morality on everyone, like those cool guys the Taliban do.”