Pat Robertson Going Against His “Better Judgment,” Waiting Until Matthew’s Dissipated Before Blaming The Gays For It

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — Televangelist Pat Robertson told listeners on one of his podcasts today that he’s “anxious” for Hurricane Matthew, currently barreling down on Florida and the surrounding islands, has dissipated.

“I’m going against my better judgment here folks,” Robertson said to his audience, “and I’m going to wait until that storm’s run its course before I blame it on the sinister gay agenda. But mark my words, as soon as the storm passes, I’m blaming the living daylights outta them.”

Robertson said he’s still “mulling” whether he’ll wait until the damage and bodies have been cleared to declare the storm the fault of “uppity gays and transgenders” attempting to secure social equality for themselves.

“Let me tell you another thing,” Robertson said, “I’m mulling whether I’m going to literally just wait until a tiny sliver of daylight breaks to blame Matthew on them, or whether I won’t even wait until the last body is pulled from the rubble to pin it on the uppity gays and transgenders daring to actually hold the government to the meaning of the words in the Constitution.”

Then, Robertson reminded his audience that the Constitution itself is a “purely Christian document” and that the LGBGTQ+ community “has no rightful claim to equality.”

“Let me just also take this time to once again tell you that the Constitution is purely a Christian document,” Robertson said, “and we know that because despite the fact that the Founders weren’t really devout and they were — for their time anyway — very secular, we feel it to be true. And for a religious conservative, feeling something is true is kinda good enough, isn’t it? The gays and transgenders don’t have any rightful claim to equality, if you ask me.”

Ultimately, Robertson said that while he’s “anxious to get out in front” and blame the LGBTQ+ community before other evangelicals do, he’s willing to “sit it out a little while more.”

“But I really wish I didn’t have to,” Robertson said, “because there’s no room for politeness and decorum when you’re talking about how sinful we’ve become. When you’re trying to warn all of humanity that our God of love is now super-duper angry and wants to wipe huge swaths of us out again because we dared to used that free will he imbued all of us with, in his own image. Political correctness is a savage force of the devil’s own creation. I’ll wait though, for now, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold my tongue.”

Hurricane Matthew has already caused massive damage and cost dozens of lives in Haiti. Robertson, a man of God, didn’t address that at all on his podcast.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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