Pat Robertson Blames ‘Hot Men Doing Sexy Times on Each Other’s Fannies’ for California Wildfires

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — Televangelist Pat Robertson has been watching the developments in California this week quite closely, however it’s not the potential recall of Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) that has him so rapt. Instead, it’s the multiple, serious, raging wildfires in several areas of the Golden State that got Robertson’s attention.

This morning, on The 700 Club, Robertson floated a theory he has about just why California has been so besieged by wildfires in the last decade.

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“Now, I’m jus a simple, old fashioned man. Back in my day, if we liked what we called ‘backwards pussy,’ we talked to our pastor about it, and he worked all those feelings out of us, in private,” Robertson explained. “He’d pray and stroke the demon thoughts out of both our big and little heads. And that system worked just fine for years. Then, all of a sudden, the gays wanted to get married, and wanted us all just to accept what they did in their own private lives, as if it didn’t have anything to do with us, and therefore shouldn’t bother us.”

Robertson batted away suggestions that climate change could be the major driving force behind California’s fire season getting longer and harder to battle.

“I don’t know nothin’ about no climate change. But California was one of the first states to allow same sex marriage,” Robertson explained, “and as far as I know, hot men doing sexy time on each other’s fannies has probably never been as popular as it is today, so clearly God is now punishing California for doing what I never could allow myself to do back in my day. Which, for the record, was the Mesozoic Era.”

Robertson isn’t quite sure what Californians can do to “reverse the sexy but Satanic damage” done so far. But that doesn’t mean he’ll give up studying the issue any time soon.

“I think what this situation probably requires is for me to take a six month sabbatical to California,” Robertson mused. “That way I can really soak it in. Just, stand there, and let California drip its sinful man-lust all over me. Only then will I truly know how best to handle them all. Oh, I plan to handle many, many, misguided but truly gorgeous men-folk when it’s all said and done.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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