Pam Bondi’s Mouth Leaks $25,000 In Trump’s Cash During Impeachment Defense

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Cash totalling $25,000 fell out of former Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi’s mouth as she made her case for impeaching Hunter Biden instead of President Donald Trump during the Senate impeachment trial’s opening arguments. Ms. Bondi is a member of Trump’s legal defense team. However, her presence on his legal defense team is not the first chance she’s had to interact with him.

In 2016, Bondi was running for re-election as Florida’s Attorney General. At the same time, the state was investigating then-candidate Trump’s alleged university. Bondi’s campaign received a donation from Trump, and soon Florida’s investigation into Trump University was shut down, without any charges filed. In 2018, a federal court approved a settlement of $25 million to be paid by the Trump organization to students who alleged that they were fooled or tricked by Trump into paying tuition based on promises that they could not and would not keep.

It’s unclear whether or not the money that was falling out of Bondi’s mouth during her impeachment trial defense presentation was the same money given to her by Trump. However, several key witnesses say that they were able to get close enough to smell the cash, and it had the scent of “spray tan, shame, and Ivanka’s pussy,” according to one source. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell had to wait for a break in the proceedings to order Senate janitorial staff to vacuum up the cash that had fallen out of Bondi’s mouth.

“While Ms. Bondi was rightly lecturing America on corruption, and correctly stating how corrupt the Bidens clearly are,” McConnell said, “we noticed that hundreds and hundreds of dollars were spilling out of her mouth. We had wanted to get that cash vacuumed up right away. In fact, I was hoping to sweep it under the same rug we’re sweeping all the evidence against the president under. However, it just wouldn’t have been very couth or becoming of this great, august body to interrupt her in the middle of her remarks.”

Eventually, a break in the action was called, so the senators and chief justice could get dinner. That’s when crews from the Kapital Kleaning Krew, a new janitorial company run by Donald Jr, Eric, and Ivanka Trump showed up. The crews included the Trump offspring themselves, who gave a few quotes to reporters as they cleaned up the money that dropped out of Bondi’s mouth.

“That nice blonde lady was absolutely right,” Donald Jr. said, sweeping up a pile of cash. “Neptune-tism is wrong! It’s totally wrong! I was telling Daddy the other day about how bad it is when people get power or money just cuz of who their mommies or daddies are.”

Eric agreed.

“Yeah, me agree wiff Dondon Joon-Joon,” Eric said, drool collecting on his chin. “Nippletwism is bad! VEWY VEWY BAD! ME NO LIKE NIPPLETWISM! ME NO LIKEY!”

A candybar and a bouncy ball was given to Eric. This calmed him down. A caretaker found Eric’s arm and led him away from the scene.

First Daughter Lady Ivanka mostly just stood aloof and looked into the cameras. She changed her facial expression to what could have been a smile, or an involuntary reflex from cutting a fart. Sources close to the situation say it was probably a fart.

“If it sounded like the smartest thing that’s ever come out of her? Yeah, that was a fart then,” one source said. “She’s very gassy like her dad. Like father, like daughter father wants to fuck.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This