5 Things That Are Definitely NOT On the Palin Brawl Police Report

The details of the Palin Family Brawl up in Alaska last month have finally come to light, at least from the perspective of the police officers who showed up to handle the mess. For a full accounting of what’s in the police report that was just released, you can see any number of news outlets’ coverage of the details of the report. You won’t be disappointed. But I thought maybe we talk about a few things that we know for a fact would never be on the police report, and here they are in their resplendent glory.

#5. Bristol Admits to Police That She Knows She’s an Irrelevant Hypocrite and Should Shut Up More Than She Does

Hey, I’m just some irrelevant dipshit on the Internet myself, so understand I get the irony in this one completely. I just don’t understand why any adult in their right mind would read the drivel that Palin’s oldest daughter shovels into the ether, whether it be on her shit-tastic blog or in various TV appearances. It takes a certain kind of blind hypocrisy and stunning lack of self-awareness to be a single mom of an illegitimate baby — by the way I couldn’t personally find any fucks to give about Bristol’s sexual dalliances — and to criticize Wendy Davis for her own sexual past. But Bristol did that on her blog.  Then there was the time Bristol got her panties in a bunch over coat hanger pendants being sold for women’s rights awareness, because you know, all woman should be forced by law to have the love child they made with a vacuous moron instead of being given safe, secure options to end the pregnancy before the organism inside of you reaches sentience, right?  Bristol did that shit too.

I’m all for the First Amendment, and I’m not saying Bristol should be required by law to shut the fuck up, I’m just saying it sure would be nice if she went out and lived her life a little, got a little perspective, learned some things about other people, and then continued to shut the fuck up forever.

#4. Sarah Showed Up Wearing a Pro-Feminism Shirt

You know, there’s one thing that has always bugged me about Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter, and pretty much any hardcore, staunchly conservative woman’s rhetoric. The anti-feminism thing by conservatives is weird in and of itself — after all, isn’t it very prudent to make sure no one is discriminated against based on something stupid like what their genitalia looks like and how it functions? Of course it is. But what makes people like Palin and Coulter railing against feminism so gross is that they wouldn’t even be taken seriously if it wasn’t for the feminist movement.

I hate to remind them of inconvenient facts, but before the 19th Amendment was ratified in the early 20th century, women were relegated to a role in society that mostly meant them keeping quiet. Yes, they were indeed quiet but strong forces in the abolition movement, for instance, but they weren’t even allowed a vote for candidates that supported their position. And the truth is that Palin and Coulter fight for that kind of repression to come back. When the moan and complain about a “return to the good old days’ they want to take their own gender’s progress back there too, which would essentially make their points of view irrelevant again, thanks to the fact that the people they side with don’t really care if women have a real seat at the table anyway.

So wouldn’t it be great to see Palin or Coulter admit somehow some way that they owe a debt of gratitude to those early women warriors, and even to modern day feminist icons like Gloria Steinem? Don’t hold your breath.

#3. Sarah Returned Half Her Governor’s Salary to the Cops

I should be totally honest here and admit that I have no idea if upon her resignation from the governorship of Alaska the Queen of Northern Derp did in fact return the portion of her salary she’d no longer be entitled to. I have no idea if by law she’s required to do so, and I am almost certain she would have never drawn that paycheck, because I am sure the state of Alaska doesn’t pay their governors in one lump-sum at the beginning of their term. But really, the larger point here was just to once again point out the biting irony of someone who was so fame struck that she quit her high-powered, elected job to go and tell other people they’re not working hard enough and need to get off the government payroll.

Though to be fair, that last part is probably the only thing she’s ever been able to do that proves she believes in smaller government — quitting hers.

#2. Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh Show Up For “The Grossest Three-Way Ever”

I just wanted to see if I could make you literally vomit by putting the image of Coulter, Limbaugh and Sarah in a suck and fuck for the ages. It’d be like Jabba the Hutt getting it on with two of his most disgusting and vile courtesans. They might role play who gets to “make” and who gets to “take” this time. Oh, just think of the eyeball-singing imagery involved in these three repulsive, repugnant assholes bumping and grinding together.

Sure, I’m jerking off to it right now because I’m a programmed chimp of a man, but do I want to be? That’s the question.

#1. Who Gives a Holy Living Fuck What Did or Didn’t Happen?

Yes, yes I get the irony of devoting about a thousand words to a subject, only to turn around and at the very end go, “But seriously, who gives a shit about any of this?” But well, I’m a comedian, and we do dumb shit sometimes. But really though, at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter to any of our lives that the Palin family embarrassed the living shit out of themselves. They do that every day with their horrid views. In 100 years’ time they’ll be the George Wallaces and Strom Thurmonds of their generation, and that’s the best thing you can say they have coming to them. I get it though, the hypocrisy on display by this family is enough to choke a rhino. And that infamous “Do you know who I am?” from Sarah Palin would have been incredible to watch, if only for the opportunity to answer her.

“A washed-up has-been attention whore with nothing of substance to offer.”