FLAT FALLS, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) is “absolutely apoplectic” at this hour, reeling he says from the “utter shock and dismay” he felt when word leaked late Monday night that Sarah Palin, the former half-term Governor of Alaska was endorsing her fellow reality-TV star Donald J. Trump for the Republican presidential nomination.
“Well, doggone it,” Cruz told reporters outside a Pizza Hut in New Hampshire, “I’m absolutely apoplectic about this news, of course. I really thought Sarah would choose me, because I thought we had a bond, a closeness if you will. A divine connection in our desire to oppress people for the sake of political power.” Dabbing a tear and some marinara sauce from his eye, Cruz said, “This just shows that liberal, left-wing Hollywood is trying to sabotage this great nation.” He asked the press pool, “Why else would two stars of liberal Hollywood TV shows join up to take down the only true conservative with the ability to topple Hillary ‘Benghazi’ Clinton?” He got no answer, so Cruz simply took a bite of a slice of pepperoni pizza he had carried out of the Pizza hut with him.
“I just thought since we are both obvious morons that she’d go with the moron who had won an election before,” Cruz said between sobs and bites of pizza.
Senator Cruz announced that he was “officially on the hunt” for a moron of his own to endorse him. “Moronic Americans aren’t just represented by Ms. Palin,” Cruz said, “they are also represented by Michele Bachmann, Trey Gowdy, Tom Cotton, and Darrel Issa to name just a few.” Cruz said he had already sent out “the feelers” to all of the people he’d mentioned, hoping they’d consider being his “Moron of Honor.”
“This great nation would be nowhere without morons,” Cruz said as he headed to the hotel he was staying in. “Morons who had to courage to even leave this great union when their Southern tradition, heritage, economy, and ability to own black people like furniture was threatened,” Cruz said adding that “morons also tried valiantly to topple our Republican in the late 19th century and replace it with sweet, sweet Oligarchy” and “morons have been trying for years to argue that a rape victim should be forced to carry her rapist’s baby to terms because ‘Jesus’ and stuff.”
“Morons,” Senator Cruz said, “can sense when their moron ways are being threatened by carpetbagging wannabe morons who are really just dipshits who play morons on TV. And those morons will want to be represented in the White House by a genuine moron the likes of which helped shut down the entire U.S. Government throwing a tantrum over poor people getting health insurance. God Bless America. God Bless the Republican Party, and most of all…God Bless me.”