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Trump Tests Negative for Coronavirus, But Positive for Dumbfuck Flu
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Though he delayed being tested for over a week after being exposed at this week's CPAC conference, President Donald Trump announced...
2020 Polls: Coronavirus Beating Trump in Head-to-Head Matchup
In news that might upset the commander in chief, newly released polling suggests a majority of Americans would prefer to vote for the novel...
Alabama ‘Looking Into’ Prosecuting God for Miscarriages
LAKE SACDEDOUCHE, ALABAMA -- Alabama's governor has reportedly ordered her state's Attorney General to investigate the constitutionality of prosecuting God for any miscarriages that...
Poll: 70% of Americans Believe Trump Should Self-Quarantine in Hole Six Feet Underground
The results of a new poll, released just today, indicate that seven out of ten Americans believe that President Donald Trump should self-quarantine during...
President Agrees to Coronavirus Test After Being Assured It Has No Spelling or Math...
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Since the start of the global pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus, President Donald Trump has tried to assume the posture...
Trump Accuses ‘Mr. Dow Jones’ of Being a Never Trumper
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump lashed out angrily at "Mr. Dow Jones" in a heated tirade on the White House lawn this morning....
Trump Boasts More People Will Die from His ‘Biggest and Best’ Pandemic Than Any...
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- For a couple of weeks now, President Donald Trump and his administration have done everything in their power to look both...
Trump Now Requires Everyone to Get Coronavirus Test Before Kissing His Ass
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump has instituted a new White House visitation policy that will require any and all Congressional Republicans who show...
CDC Recommends Americans Quarantine Themselves From President Trump
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Centers for Disease Control issued new guidance this morning, urging Americans to quarantine themselves from a virus they say "is...
Stephen Miller Announces He’s Immune to Human Mutation of Coronavirus
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The president's Senior White Power Adviser has announced that he is completely immune to the novel coronavirus threatening a pandemic outbreak...
