PA Department of Corrections Orders Jumpsuits With Garish Patterns

HARRISBURG, PENNSYLVANIA — Officials with the Pennsylvania Department of Corrections have issues a special order for prisoner jumpsuits that are not the standard orange, or even black and white striped pattern. Instead, PDC sources are telling reporters that in preparation for the arrival of a “special inmate,” they have procured a shipment of prison garb that has various colored shapes and designs on it in what they are calling “a garish, frightening design.”

Warden Heath C. Hockstuble told reporters outside his office in Harrisburg that he ordered the jumpsuits to help the special inmate “feel more relaxed and comfortable in their new surroundings.” Hockstuble said that not every inmate gets this kind of treatment, but in today’s celebrity culture, he was willing to make an exception for an inmate with such a distinguished career in both comedy and sexual assault. The warden informed reporters that the jumpsuits would start with just one “outlandish, multicolored design” but depending on how long the particular individual was in a Pennsylvania jail, other color palettes and designs would be explored.

“You see, you put the prisoner in the jumpsuit that makes them feel, ahhhh, the most at home,” Hockstuble posited at the presser, adding that, “when you do that, it helps the inmate feel less anxiety, and that reduces problems with the prisoner population in general.” Warden Hockstuble also announced that the inmates would be having regular lip sync performances where they will choreograph elaborate dance routines to perform as they come down the stairs that lead from the upper floor of cells to the lower floor.

Mr. Hockstuble said that overall, he and his staff were “looking forward” to the arrival of the special inmate, and that they were glad he “decided to end his long, and storied career as a comedy icon-slash-rapist” in their state, allowing them to meet the legend of the stage and screen. “This man was on TV for many, many years,” the warden said, “thank God if he was going to get caught and punished for his horrific pattern of sexual assault and abuse that it’d be in my state! I really hope I can get his autograph on this box of vintage pudding pops I found at the local five and dime.”

“Well, they still have to hold the trial,” Hockstuble told reporters, “so it’s possible he could walk. I mean, he’s tremendously rich, and tremendously powerful. That combination usually means he’ll get off with some kind of plea deal or something. But if not, I’m just glad we took the time to order these jumpsuits ahead of time, so if and when he does stay on a permanent basis, he can stay in relative comfort, living out his days, thinking about the trail of destroyed lives he left in his wake, all because he couldn’t figure out the proper way to get his dick wet.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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