Scientists Of Oz Baffled That Tributary Lahren Not Melted By Glass Of Thrown Water

THE MERRY OLD LAND OF OZ — With a ha-ha-ha, a ho-ho-ho, and a couple of tra-la-la-las, scientists in the Land of Oz held a press conference today and announced that they are no closer to pinpointing why right-wing firebrand commentator Timmy Lahren is still alive after an incident at a restaurant in Minneapolis over the weekend, during Sunday Brunch.

“At this point in time we are still trying to ascertain exactly why the Wicked Witch of the Confederacy did not immediately melt when doused with a glass of water,” Dr. Booboo Meemoo of the University of Munchkin Land told reporters this morning. “As any citizen of Oz knows, the usual remedy for a witch is to throw water on her and watch her melt away, so we are indeed quite baffled at this development.”

Dr. Meemoo was referring to the fact that Ms. Lahren and her mother were recently involved in an incident at a restaurant in Minneapolis. When it was all said and done, a patron of the restaurant was escorted out by security after tossing the contents of her water glass on Lahren from a distance of a couple of feet. The dousing came after Lahren confronted a table full of women she said were “scowling” at her.

At one point during the confrontation, with restaurant security next to her, many of the other patrons of the establishment began chanting “Fuck Tillamook Lahren!” over and over again.

“You can imagine our shock when we watched the video and Tambourine didn’t melt on contact,” Meemoo said. “This flies in the face of all established Ozerian science.”

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Meemoo explained that as long as Oz has had witches there have been two widely accepted methods to get rid of them.

“One, you drop a house on their heads and take their red slippers,” Meemoo said. “Or, two, you throw water on them and watch them melt. These things are taught to all Munchkins in grade school. We do classroom water/witch experiments in junior high. The fact that the Wicked Witch of the Confederacy could take a full six ounces of water to the face and not melt is something we’re going to be studying for years to come.”

Dr. Meemoo says that UML researchers will continue to study the case and report any of their findings to the Munchkin community.

“We have to know if our usual methods of witch disposal are going to work or not,” Meemoo said. “We simply cannot afford to have our fair land overrun by witches.”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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