Navy SEAL William “Ryan” Owens To Receive Purple Prop Award From President Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. — During his joint address to Congress, Co-President Donald J. Trump took time to recognize the widow of William “Ryan” Owens, the Navy SEAL who lost his life in the botched raid in Yemen that was Trump’s first authorized military strike since being sworn in back in January. Reaction to the moment was polarized, with many feeling it was a high moment for Trump, while other saw it as cheap pandering to his base and an obvious attempt to divert attention from how badly the raid ended up going, with several civilian casualties, including an eight-year-old American girl.

Today, at a special ceremony, Trump ordered a new presidential honor bestowed, posthumously, to SEAL Owens.

“This Purple Prop Award,” Trump announced in the Oval Office to camera crews from Breitbart, World Net Daily, and the Conservative Tinfoil Hat Network, “will be given from now on to members of our armed forces who died performing the greatest act anyone can perform in uniform, which is of course becoming a political prop for the president.”

Trump said he’ll “never forget” the sacrifice that Owens made as long as he lives.

“Because he died so that I could take the credit for his heroism, really,” Trump said, “by insisting that the raid wasn’t an abject failure, for starters. Secondly, I can stand in front of the nation, ignore the fact that Ryan’s dad has called for an investigation into the operation he called stupid, and use the tears of Ryan’s widow to cleanse my soul.”

Mr. Trump said it was difficult at first for him to grapple with how badly things had gone in the raid, but once he figured out he could just use Ryan’s corpse as a literal shield against criticism, he was less worried about it all.

“These brave men and women are such an asset to this country,” Trump said, “but really to politicians. Because we get to use them like fodder for our political goals. We just chuck another body into the engine, which processes it into clean burning patriotic fuel. The nationalism of it all is quite breathtaking, isn’t it?”

Reached for comment, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said he was “of two minds” on the issue.

“On the one hand,” Schumer said, “this is just more blatant propagandizing of a fallen Navy SEAL. It’s casually using the life of someone who died in a botched raid to justify abusive and nonsensical policies, and as an American it sickens me. But as a Democrat? Meh. We’ll do it ourselves when we’re in the White House next. You understand, of course.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This