WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the weekend, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen announced she was leaving the Trump administration. Secretary Nielsen took to Twitter, however, to further announce that she would be staying on as DHS Secretary until the middle of this week.
I have agreed to stay on as Secretary through Wednesday, April 10th to assist with an orderly transition and ensure that key DHS missions are not impacted.
Now, several sources are saying that Nielsen is on her way to Petco at the time of publication. Nielsen is reportedly en route to the pet supply mega retailer in order to fulfill her duties as Trump’s head of homeland security one final time.
“Outgoing Secretary Nielsen is headed to Petco with a cashier’s check from the Treasury Department for enough to buy one last batch of dog crates for immigrant and refugee children to sleep in, once we’ve kidnapped them from their parents,” White House Policy Adviser and Senior Nazi told reporters this morning. “I told her that if she’s going to stay on until Wednesday, the last she could do is help us make America White AF Again.”
Reports have surfaced that over the last several weeks, President Trump has been putting enormous pressure on Nielsen to reinstate the family separation policy that caused so much controversy and uproar last year. It’s been said that Nielsen’s continued resistance to reinstating the policy is one of the big factors that led to her being asked to resign. In order to facilitate even more family separations, however, Miller said the administration “simply must have more dog cages and crates.”
“If we’re gonna but the little browns in their own cages, we’re gonna need a lot more cages,” Miller explained, “and once Nielsen’s not in there cucking it up, we’re gonna put a lot more little browns in cages. So I told her to make herself useful and do something for her Dear President for once instead of being a total failure. Oh, also, doesn’t my totally real hair in a can look great on my head? Oh, also, I look like the human form of skid marks. Oh, also, I’m a piece of shit. Why do I keep saying these things out loud? So weird. Anyway, I’m garbage.”
Sec. Nielsen was seen heading into Petco and stopped to answer a couple of questions from reporters.
“As a conservative American of course I believe that my white skin just naturally makes me better,” Neilsen said, “and a better American. But I’m not okay with policies that brazenly enforce white supremacy. I support policies that give a wink and a not to white nationalism, not a full-blown, sloppy wet kiss.”
Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said she was too busy chastising freshman members of the Democratic caucus for being too mean to corporate lobbyists.
“I’m sorry, but I’ve been too busy teaching our first-year congressional representatives how to play the game,” Pelosi said. “I’ll get back to pretending to almost maybe consider doing something real about this whole mess later. Much, much later. Don’t ask me when. Okay byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.