WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a truly historic move, forty-nine governors, 98 Senators and each member the House of Representatives from those states participating met in the nation’s capital to discuss whether or not they should let Texas leave the United States of America for good. The conference was called by the governors of California, Oregon, New York, and Michigan in response to a petition drive by the Texas Nationalist Movement — a San Antonio based group of Texans that wish to see their state function as its own country entirely — hoping to garner enough signatures to put a measure of secession on their state’s ballot in 2016. Though many historians accurately point to the Civil War as having largely settled the matter of a state’s right to secede, the Texas Nationalist Movement has decided to put the secession measure on the ballot anyway, and those officials gathered in D.C. over the weekend were trying to figure out “who the hell would really care,” as one representative told the media, if Texas left the union.
“Don’t get me wrong,” one Ohio state representative told us, “we want all fifty states in the union, and we want them all thriving. But Texas sure does take a lot of Federal tax money for a state that supposedly hates taxes. I wonder where they think those huge defense spending contracts would go once they weren’t part of this country anymore,” the Republican asked rhetorically adding, “I mean, I’m a conservative Republican and even I understand that the Civil War settled this shit for a reason, but maybe Texas needs to learn their lesson the hard way.”
A Democratic state representative from California told The Political Garbage Chute that “as much as [he] and everyone else loves barbecue,” they could “let Texas go and import the brisket and pulled pork we need.” The same representative said that “Texans who want out of the union should stop and think about what exactly they’re signing up for. If you think a militia can replace the U.S. armed forces, the Coast Guard and the border patrol, I wish you all the luck in the world, but I know for a fact you are dumber than a box of rocks.”
“Do they really think they alone can police their section of the border with Mexico,” a Republican from Minnesota asked. He went on to add that he “personally [doesn’t] think that the immigration problem is one that comes from Mexico in the first place” but that “even if [he] did and [he] happened to live in Texas, [he] would still rather have the full force of the United States government enforcing our borders than some moonshined up good ol’ boys with their AR-15s.”
One Democrat from Oregon laughed as she asked reporters, “Do they really think they can negotiate international trade deals? Who will be their ambassador to the rest of the world, Rick Perry? The guy who can’t even remember the three government agencies he hates so much he wants them shut down? Will Governor Abbot be the one negotiating Texas’ own nuclear accord with Iran? Boy would I love to be a fly in the room for that,” she said with laughter erupting from every corner of her mouth.
“Oh no,” a Democratic State Senator from Connecticut feigned anxiety, “you mean we’d never have to explain to our friends in other countries that Texas is just particularly stupid the next time a factory blows up and they all proudly proclaim themselves regulation-free,” he asked rhetorically. “You mean to tell me that if we let them walk away we’re no longer going to have to tell people that they shouldn’t judge us by what our idiot cousins in the Lonestar State are losing their shit about,” he added sarcastically.
A Republican from Oklahoma simply quoted Gene Wilder in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” when he was asked what he’d tell his Texan neighbors if they asked him to let them secede. “Stop, don’t, come back.”
“The bottom line is simple,” said a Democratic State House member from Vermont, “even if Texas leaves, we have 49 other economies to keep us going. We have 49 other states that can help keep making this a more perfect union if Texas is too selfish and self-involved to. And besides, we’ll still have Florida, so it’s not like all the stupid will leave the union at once.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.