With O’Reilly Gone, Sean Hannity Hopes To Get Much More One-On-One Time With Trump’s Dick

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — This week, Fox News host Sean Hannity told listeners of his regular podcast that he was “sad and upset” to see his longtime colleague Bill O’Reilly depart the cable news monolith the two have worked at together for over two decades, but that he saw some “rays of sunshine in the whole fiasco” as well.

“Let’s face it folks,” Hannity told his podcast audience, “Bill got screwed by the liberal lamestream press…and his own actions, sure. But if the liberals hadn’t gotten involved, Bill would still be groping, fondling, and harassing his way to enormous ratings. But, times change, and as sad as this is, I see some rays of sunshine in the whole fiasco.”

Namely, Hannity says, with O’Reilly out of the picture, he becomes the de facto top star of the network. With Megyn Kelly’s departure last year Hannity is left even more isolated at the top of the Fox pyramid. This positioning, he reasoned, will have certain advantages.

“The pre-Super Bowl interview with the president was Bill’s but now it’ll be mine,” Hannity said, “and I think I’ll be getting a lot more one-on-time with Donald Trump’s dick, what with Bill completely out of the way now.”

Hannity explained that both he and O’Reilly had a very “unique and special” relationship with Trump He said that both men wanted to help use their massive media resources to get Trump elected and to help keep his agenda on track with the American people. But, he said, there were sometimes “too many mouths in the kitchen giving the orange orangutan a blow job.” And it was hard, at times, for Hannity to know which of the two Trump considered his “bottom bitch.”

“I wanted to be his bottom bitch, and I told him that every single time I had his tangerine, wrinkled dick in my mouth,” Mr. Hannity explained, “but it always seemed like Trump likes ’em tall, and no one can deny Bill is a tall drink of water. I get hard thinking about him myself and I touch my – wait, what was I saying?”

With O’Reilly off the network, Hannity expects to be “quite busy with the president” over time.

“Bending Donald Trump’s ear for any amount of time is great,” Hannity said, “and it’s an experience I relish. But bending his ear while stuffing his bendy, mostly flaccid, completely useless, orange thistle weed of a dick into your mouth? Well, that’s an honor I wouldn’t expect most liberals to understand, but I know each and every one of you listening right now would jump at the chance for.”

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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