Fox News Renames “The O’Reilly Factor” as ‘The No Profit Zone’

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Executives with Fox News have announced today that they will be changing the name of Bill O’Reilly’s show that broadcasts on their network.

“Beginning in the second quarter of this year,” a statement from Fox reads, “the show that has been known for almost two decades as The O’Reilly Factor will be renamed The No Profit Zone.”

The Fox News press release indicates that the decision to change the name of the show was spurred on by the mass exodus of over 25 sponsors from The O’Reilly Factor. The release states that even though Fox has “never been all that worried about being totally honest,” they are worried that not disclosing how much money they lose on O’Reilly between settling his sexual harassment suits and lacking sufficient ad buyers would offend their viewers who have “somehow convinced themselves” that Fox is indeed and honest news outlet.

“We need our viewers to believe we always tell them the pure, unvarnished truth without any spin,” Fox’s release states, “and to that end, we simply must let Mr. O’Reilly’s audience know what a financial anchor his show has become on the show. It’s only fair to all parties involved.”

The statement indicates that while O’Reilly’s show is currently without many of its biggest sponsors, efforts are being made to curry the favor of new ad buyers.

“We have our ad sellers work extra hard,” Fox states, “and we’ve spoken to several companies who have shown interest. Planned Parenthood has stated that seeing everyone else pull out has inspired them to consider an ad buy. Pepsi has stated that everyone hates them so much, they might as well advertise on a sexual predator’s show.”

Mr. O’Reilly, speaking through his spokespeople, said that he is “not surprised” by the decision to rename his show. O’Reilly, in his own written statement, indicated that the change could be temporary, and the he could rename his show as it’s being aired.

“I’ll do it live,” O’Reilly wrote, “Fuck it! Fuck it! You want to change my show name on me? Like you don’t respect me? What am I, someone not worthy of respect? What, like a woman or some shit? I’ll change my name back. I’ll do it. I’ll do it live!”

This is a developing story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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