Oregon Militia Squatter Explains Why Colin Kaepernick Hates America

DOVER, OREGON — Earlier this year, Oregon First Militia Private Corporal Master Chief Grant Ryan participated in a standoff between federal authorities and members of a posse headed by Ammon Bundy. Bundy is a rancher and the son of Cliven Bundy, another man who led an armed standoff with federal agents in Nevada. Private Corporal Master Chief Ryan participated in both standoffs because he says “sometimes real patriots need to threaten the government with armed revolt if they don’t get their way.” However, Ryan says that he is “appalled and disgusted” by San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s decision to protest police brutality against the African-American community by sitting down for the National Anthem before this year’s games.

“That’s just wrong on so many levels,” Ryan told fans of his Facebook page Alt-Right Biased America in a rambling, thirteen paragraph post, “and Kapernick should be ashamed of himself. It’s one thing to point a high-powered rifle at a federal agent because you think you should get to run your ranch on free land, and it’s an entirely different thing to peacefully sit down and not salute a flag during the playing of a song written by a slaveholder.”

Ryan admits in his Facebook post that “on paper” he could be seen as a “violent, tantrum throwing baby man-child who misunderstands what freedom means” but that he thinks that’s all “libtarded hogwash” and he said he thinks Kaepernick’s peaceful demonstration is “the real threat to American exceptionalitude-ocity.”

“Did I participate in essentially an armed revolt,” Ryan asked rhetorically, “maybe. But we had a real armed revolt in 1776 that eventually gave us our independence and freedom. And we all know the reason we fought that bloody war was so that people would have to stand at attention and heap praise on a flag and a set of invisible boundaries.”

The First Amendment is important, Ryan says, but only when “people use it in an American way.” He insisted that “real Americans stand up to show pride and respect in their country, even if they know like me that our government is tyrannical because of taxes and laws and stuff.”

“America is amazingly awesome,” Ryan said, “even though it’s also totally terrible and we need to make it great again. This isn’t a hard concept to follow. You should love America with all your heart, until the day they raise your taxes a half percent, or a transgender person wants to poop or pee somewhere, or a football player wants to protest something by sitting quietly during the National Anthem. Then you know this country is horrible and we need a massive, angry orangutan to lead us back to greatness. See simple.”

In Ryan’s mind, there can be only one reason that Mr. Kaepernick is sitting down during the anthem this year — he hates America.

“Clearly the guy who sits quietly during the anthem is the one who hates America,” Corporal Ryan said, “and the guy who is willing to point a gun at an agent’s head over land taxes understands what this country is really, truly about — wanton violence and murder in place of elections and votes. God Bless America!”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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