DARWIN LAKE, FLORIDA — 26-year-old Graham Phillips is a self-described “modern libertarian in every sense of the word.” He is stridently anti-taxation and he says that once he’s graduated from West Florida University where he’s attended since 2010 thanks in part to various grants and federally-backed student loans, he plans to go into politics and one day “end the government tyranny of asking wealthy people to chip in a little more since they can easily afford it.” Mr. Phillips recently made a post on the Facebook page he runs called The Neoteric Libertarian, telling a harrowing story that involved him stopping a mass shooting before it began.

“Some libtards will tell you that good guys with guns only confuse the situation and make matters worse,” Phillips’ post said, “and some even more libtarded libtards say that open carry is a bad idea because it makes people unsure of who the good guys or bad guys are. After all, they argue, to an average person, no one should be walking down the aisles of their local K-Mart with a semi-automatic rifle out. But this is where we see libtard thinking as fundamentally flawed, and this weekend I was involved in stopping a shooting from ever happening, and you are damn right I was open carrying that day.”

ALSO:

Trump Blames Vegas Shooting On Obama Not Confiscating Shooter’s Guns

Graham’s post told readers that on December 10th, he was at the shopping mall in town, buying gifts for Christmas. He made sure to tell our reporter to reiterate it was Christmas he was buying gifts for and not some “bullshit, Cultural Marxist holiday Kwanzaa Muslim bash.” When he entered the Forever 21 in the mall, looking for something for his girlfriend, he says he got a “funny feeling” but that he decided to just keep shopping anyway.

“I figured, I had my AR-15 with me,” Phillips said, “because I literally don’t go anywhere without it, so I’d just proceed with caution as my training taught me.” We asked him what training he was referring to, and if he had been in the military. “Oh no,” Phillips answered back, “my Call of Duty training. I’ve been playing Modern Warfare for a long time now; so I’m pretty much at Spec-Ops level of training at this point.”

When Phillips turned a corner in the store and found himself facing a mirror on the outside of dressing room stall door, his sense of fight or flight kicked in immediately. “I saw a gun, that’s what I saw,” Phillips told us, and that’s when he “drew down” on his suspect, ordering him to drop the weapon, but the would-be assailant didn’t listen, and rather kept pointing his weapon at Graham. “It was a goddamned Mexican standoff, and I hate Mexicans, er I mean, you know, um, secure borders or something.”




“I gave him to the count of three to drop his weapon and come along peacefully,” Phillips said, “but he just kept shouting at me, and in the fog of Forever 21, I couldn’t understand him. So I pulled my trigger, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room at Darwin Lake Memorial.”

Phillips had actually shot himself in the groin. “I was aiming for center mass, of course,” he said, “but I, um, guess I need to like do some more range work or something.” Graham told our reporter that while he was “super bummed” about being shot, he was glad that he had still “stopped a potential shooting.” In his mind, he says he was doing his “patriotic duty” and would shoot himself “a million more times” if it meant he was “protecting [his] fellow American citizens.”

“The way I see it,” Phillips told us as the interview was ending, is that I stopped a potential shooting. I mean, you really can’t tell who is who in a situation where you only have a few seconds to react.” After a moment, he said, “And plus, look at me. I’m white, young, disgruntled about how I perceive life to be versus how it works, and I have access to multiple firearms and ammunition. That’s pretty much the mass shooter’s profile for the last decade or so, with some notable exceptions. So, who’s to say I wouldn’t have become a lone wolf shooter at some point anyway?”

Phillips said he’s already heard from the State of Florida and they will not be revoking his gun license, but will instead be honoring him with a plaque and a free handgun of his choosing because “Florida,” according to the official letter he received.

You can read satire like this every day on The Pastiche Post and Alternative Facts.

More satire:

Robert Mueller to Hand Deliver Criminal Charges to Trump Administration Inside Dildo