|The following editorial was written by Bill Dickerdolldildo. Mr. Dickerdolldildo is the social media manager for The Washington Cornholer, a right-leaning newspaper. He is also the administrator of the Facebook page Totally and Completely Biased America. Mr. Dickerdolldildo’s views and opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this publication, it’s ownership, or staff.|
On January 6th, President Donald J. Trump spoke to a massive crowd of his extremely sad and disappointed supporters. After yelling at them for a little bit, Trump encouraged the throng of his voters to march on the capitol where that very morning Congress was completing the final steps in certifying Joe Biden as the country’s next president. What followed was a bloody, violent moment in American history, and for his role in riling up the crowd, President Trump is just hours away from his second impeachment.
So far, the death toll from that day already exceeds that of Benghazi. Six Americans died during the Trumpet’s Charge, and four died during Al-Qaeda’s attack on the U.S. consular building in Benghazi, Libya. But as we get more and more time and space from the attack, it’s becoming increasingly clear who the real victims are in all of this: Conservatives with large social media followings.
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Since January 6th, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube have been purging user accounts that participated in the riot last week. Parler, the right-wing Twitter alternative, has been shut down after Amazon pulled the plug on its hosting services for refusing to remove content posted by users calling for the illegal arrest, rape, and murder of elected officials. I personally have lost tens of thousands of followers all across my social media accounts, and while I always knew this could happen if these big tech companies ever did a real, serious purge of bots, I never thought I’d see the day where good, clean, ammo hoarding, gun toting, red meat eating patriots would be silenced and thrown off a private company’s property, simply for mounting a violent insurrection against our government!
What I want to know, what I am hereby demanding to be told by our elected officials and the liberal elite intelligentsia, is what in the hell are we going to do about it? Just what are we going to do about me losing so many of my followers? It’s not my fault I say and think things that are attractive to racist, white nationalist domestic terrorists, and if we don’t live in a country where racist, white nationalist domestic terrorists have a constitutional guarantee of a social media account, I’m not exactly sure we live in America anymore.
Instead if worrying about whether or not there are still thousands, if not millions, of radicalized Americans willing to kill other Americans at the request of an ousted, one-term, reality-TV con man racist, why don’t we turn our collective focus onto the issues that actually matter to the continued survival of the republic? Namely, getting me damn Twitter followers back!
I don’t want to hear another thing from Congress until I get all my Twitter followers back, and if they can get my ex-wife to talk to me again (it’s not my fault I was forced to continually remind her that God made me smarter, stronger, and dominant for a reason), that would be pretty great too.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.