|The following is an editorial submitted to this publication by Dustin Pewpson, a leading right-wing, Republican lobbyist. Mr. Pewpson has been involved in politics for 30 years, and was a prominent donor to both presidential campaigns of George W. Bush, as well as Donald J. Trump. The views and opinions expressed in the following do not necessarily reflect those of anyone outside the president’s death cult.|
What I have witnessed over the last few weeks has been shocking, to say the least. Apparently, we live in a country where we just willy-nilly cast and count ballots, as if every American has some kind of sacred right to make their voice heard and elect people to represent them in our form of democracy. For weeks, President God King Emperor Trump has been warning us that last month’s election was rigged, and even though he hasn’t provided any substantial proof of his allegations, as a Republican, I am willing to wait, hold off on swearing-in Mr. Biden, and then once we get the proof from Mr. Trump, we can all sit down and hammer out a solution to this problem.
Look, as a Republican in the modern age, I have become incredibly patient. I’ve been told for decades that once we get a firm conservative Supreme Court majority that Roe v. Wade will be a thing of the past, and that hasn’t happened, and in fact there really hasn’t been anything to come close to overturning it, but I still sit patiently for that to happen. As a Republican I was told that slashing taxes for people six times as rich as I am would cause them to have so much extra money they’d magically feel compelled to give it to the plebs. I’ve yet to see anything resembling proof of that theory, even though I have deeply rooted feelings that definitely come off as facts in my own heart and mind.
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You still won’t see me being okay with raising taxes, though.
So, too, it goes for evidence that Joe Biden and the Democrats cheated. I will and can wait an entire lifetime, if I must. I remember my grandfather telling me once that he still didn’t believe that water was wet, and he said it was God given right as an American to not believe it is, no matter how soaked he got every time he took a shower. Liberals in this country cannot and will not force us to accept their so-called “reality” just because it’s rooted in facts, science, and truth. We conservatives have a right to stake out an ideological safe space for ourselves, and to make sure it stays safe by not exposing ourselves to information that contradicts what we want to believe is true.
Someday, soon, or not, we will find the evidence that Saddam Hussein was amassing weapons of mass destruction. I’ve waited 17 long years for it, and I can keep waiting for it. My patience knows no bounds when it comes to waiting for my fever dreams to become everyone else’s existences.
Patience is a virtue. Nobody can take that virtue away from me. I will wait for President Trump to provide his evidence of Biden’s cheating in the same way I have waited for Jesus Christ to return to Earth. I will await the real, hard proof of Democratic election fraud as calmly and patiently as I waited for Trump to prove Barack Obama was born in Kenya. Because I’m a Republican.
And waiting for our fantasies to match-up to our realities is just what we Republicans do best.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.