Well, great. You’ve done it, Libs. You’ve successfully pulled off yet another homicide. Literal homicide. Last week, the Major League Baseball Team in Cleveland made it official — they’re no longer Injuns. They’re “Guardians” now —  which I guess technically is a term that has deep meaning to the people of Cleveland, but that still kicks me right in my dangling nostalgias!

You already managed to convince Cleveland to kill off poor, sweet, racist icon Chief Wahoo a few years back. Now, you’ve stripped those of us who love America so much we understand how important it is to lie to ourselves about how racist we always have been of one of the things we love so much — casual, widely accepted racism. So now we add the Indians name to the list of cancel culture victims such as Uncle Ben, Aunt Jemima, and Blacky McN-Word, the former mascot of the Alabama state legislature.

BOEBERT: “IT WOULD VIOLATE MY HIPPOPOTAMUS RIGHTS TO TELL YOU IF I GOT THE DEMOCRAT HOAX VACCINE”

My only question at this point is: When does it stop? When will you Libs be satisfied? When do you think you’ll have the pound of flesh you think you’re entitled to? Because it seems like you won’t stop until you’ve taken away all the racist stereotypes that prop up a culture white supremacy. Who the hell gave you all the right to use the pressure of your influence on the open market to influence the decisions of private businesses?

I wonder if you all realize how un-American it is to cancel our racist mascots. For starters, the First Amendment protects our right to call you a racist word. Deal with it. That doesn’t make us racist, either by the way, it makes us “free speech warriors.” More importantly, though, you’re the ones who argue all the time that we’re a racist country, and always have been. So you know what? I hereby accept that premise.

But beyond being un-American, let’s just say it, out loud. You’re murderers. You’re literally killing Uncle Ben, and Aunt Jemima. You’re killing these beloved characters, and you should be ashamed.

Now that I have accepted that we have a racist history, and are a racist country, you are now all officially un-American if you oppose our racism. Don’t bother trying to argue your way out of this one, either, Libs. I just owned you with rock solid logic.

Keep going, if you must. Keep tearing down our statues to racist terrorists who went to war against America so rich people could still own black people like property. Keep changing the corporate mascots of companies that chose racist stereotypes to represent their companies back during a time when racism was more acceptable.

We’ll see how the American people react to losing a relic of a more racist time in our culture when the votes start getting counted next year. Something tells me that somewhere out there are tens of millions of Americans who are tired of losing a connection to our childhoods, just because some woke person is offended by white supremacy.

ARIZONA AUDIT REVEALS JOE BIDEN IS STILL AND WILL REMAIN PRESIDENT

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.