Mr. Mark Zuckerberg, Billionaire on High –

One thing seems for certain — you do not want me to use your platform. Not really, anyway.

I can’t help but feel, after more than a decade of using your quaint little data mining application, that you, Mark, don’t very much appreciate me, or what I use your lady-hotness-rating-turned-private data mongering website for, and you want me to leave it, or drastically change who I am so I don’t keep running afoul of Facebook’s terms of service. And by, “you,” of course I mean your company because, let’s face it, in order for me to accuse you of having a personal grudge against me you’d have to know who I am and also be capable of human emotion — a feature sadly still missing in our algorithmically aroused billionaire class automatons.

Facebook’s loathing of me must be the reason I keep getting messages like this one from them.

Or like this one.

I am not a conspiracy peddler. I am not a propagandist. I am not a white nationalist terrorist using Facebook to foment violent dissent and plot, say, the extrajudicial kidnapping, trial, and murder of the Governor of Michigan. I’ve never even once posted a single racist meme!

What I have primarily utilized the Zuckerberg Privacy Exploitation Project for is promoting my silly fake news articles. The term “fake news” is surely a loaded one in these times of ours, granted, however no attempt is ever made on my part to convince the masses what I’m telling them is anything aside from pure, unadulterated old fashioned fictional hyperbole. We used to call what I do “satire,” but that was before reality became so satirical. I am not sure what, exactly to call what it is I do anymore, other than “piss off fascists on Facebook.”

And maybe that is the precise problem with me. Maybe up until this point I just haven’t put it all together, but now, it’s starting to make sense.

The reason I keep messing up with Facebook is that I’m simply not racist enough. Or perhaps it’s that I haven’t joined any militia groups and or plotted to overthrow my local government? I’m not really sure, to be honest, just how much alt-right disinformation and racist screed spewage is missing from my Facebook profile according to its very high standards of excellent community behavior, but clearly me not being a white nationalist is only making matters worse for my relationship with the platform, and maybe even you, personally, Mr. Zuckerberg.

So, I yield. I quit. You win, Mark.

Unfortunately for both of us, I still need some of the traffic your platform provides my websites. But if it means that I need to become a white nationalist terrorist to maintain my Facebook account in good standing, then by God, that’s what I’ll do. After all, if we’re not adapting and changing our society to keep virulently racist, violent, tragically misinformed people happy enough to not mass report everything that hurts their feelings, or sew destructive chaos in our streets, I might as well buy the whole hog and go full white nationalist.

Better we raise an army of PragerU-spouting fascists than make fun of them, eh, Mr. Zuckerberg?

Of course, I realize that I could also just as easily become a politician in order to keep myself in your good graces, sir. It seems that Facebook is pretty chill about politicians, particularly Republican ones, saying literally anything they want to on Facebook, so long as they pay for the advertising dollars that come with a campaign ad. So, not only can I be a white nationalist on your website, I could be a politician also, or instead.

Then again, death by self throat dildo-ing is a third, less degrading and painful option, so I think it’s time I hit up Sex Toys R Us and bid you a fond adieu, Mark.

Warmest Regards,

Me

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.