MATA TODOS, NEVADA — Former NFL star and ex-convict OJ Simpson has written and sent a letter to President Donald Trump, indicating that the footballer believes Saudia Arabia’s denials of having anything to do with the death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi.
A copy of OJ’s letter was sent to various press outlets, and we have decided to reprint his letter, in its entirety, verbatim, word for word, unredacted, and unabridged, below:
How are you? Hope you’re doing well. I keep seeing you out in front of big crowds, sucking your own dick, so I have to assume you’re doing well. I’ve never seen a president do that so much in my time, but hey, you do you, brother.
Hey, so I keep reading about this thing in the news about that journalist that everyone thinks was killed by Saudi Arabia. I want you to know, flat-out, I believe them. I believe Saudi Arabia very, very much, in fact.
Some might say, “Hey, what about the evidence?” Well, let me be the first to tell you — evidence, even overwhelming, blood soaked evidence — doesn’t mean you’re guilty. Even if — hypothetically — all the evidence literally leads a trail back to my estate, or, I guess in this case to the royal palace in Saudi Arabia…that doesn’t really mean anything does it?
Do we really want to live in a world where evidence means things? Don’t we, really, want to live in a world where we just take everyone’s word for it, no matter how obvious it is that they’re lying right through their teeth? That seems really dangerous to me, if we start pushing for a world in which evidence of a crime brings punishments for those crimes.
Okay, I gotta run, but I just wanted to take the time and reach out to you, show Saudi Arabia some support. One thing you might try? Have the Saudi prince try on a pair of gloves and pretend they’re way too small for him. Just…have him try it.
Hope those sweet, sweet riyals keep hitting your bank account, Don.
OJ “Totally Innocent” Simpson
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.