GARDEN GLENN, OHIO — Last week, Ohio became one of several red states attempting to challenge Roe vs. Wade’s landmark 1973 Supreme Court decision in which the right of any woman living in the United States to terminate her pregnancy before the fetus is medically viable. Ohio joins Alabama, Missouri, and Georgia, however it’s widely presumed more and more red states will follow suit, now that conservatives hold a decisive 5-4 majority on the high court. It’s unclear, however, exactly how new justices Neil Gorsuch and Bart O’Kavanaugh would decide a new case challenging that 46 year precedent, though the latter’s views on abortion would seem to imply he’d be more than willing to help reverse Roe.
There are many, even those who oppose abortion rights, who feel these new laws go too far. Many criminalize abortion at every stage, and there are hardly any exceptions, even for rape or incest. The absolute best case scenario for a premature birth surviving outside the womb is right around the 21-week mark, but 24-weeks is far safer. However, some laws, like Ohio’s, ban abortions at the six week mark or earlier, and that is a time period when many women don’t or can’t know they’re pregnant.
Still others have pounced on the laws as being governmental overreach into the personal reproductive choices of women. Others have questioned whether restricting a woman’s genital agency is a direct violation of her First, Fourth, Tenth, and Fourteenth Amendment rights. Today, at a prayer breakfast, State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) told attendees he dismissed every criticism of the law his party drafted and pushed onto the books.
“I’m sorry but I happen to think defending the life of the barely fertilized is worth a little authoritarian genital inspection,” Thompaulsen told congregants the First United Methodist Church of Garden Glenn today. “Besides, let’s get real here — now our government is small enough to fit in your pee pee hole. That’s a win-win for me. We protect the life of the clump of cells, and we shrink our government down to a size so small we can jam it up your cooters.”
Vice President Mike Pence is said to be personally flying to Ohio to shake the hand of every Republican legislator who helped pass the new abortion restriction.
“We look forward to the Vice President’s visit,” Thompaulsen said. “We think he’s really going to get a kick out of the uterus tracking system we created. In just a couple of years, we’ll be able to pinpoint every vagina in the state, and tell you when their last menstrual cycle was. You know, because we believe in freedom and liberty. As in our freedom to be at liberty to inspect your pussy whenever we want. You get it.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.