WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republicans on the Hill are, according to several anonymous staffers, scrambling at this hour. What has set the conservative wing of the American political spectrum aflutter is that when the jobs numbers were released, the full weight of “Obama’s socialist takeover,” as one staffer called it. In the month of October, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the U.S. economy added roughly 271,000 new jobs, and the unemployment rate fell to 5%.
“I don’t care that this is the lowest the unemployment rate has been in almost eight years,” Rep. Louie Gohmer (R-TX) told reporters after the jobs numbers were released, “this man is going to tear this country apart from the inside by guiding us to a point where our economy is about where it was before the Great Recession! We cannot withstand more of this socialist making our free market capitalist economy weaker by making it stronger!”
Rep. Paul Ryan said, “While the numbers do look technically good, we have to wonder if they don’t also look bad because ‘Obama,’ know what I mean?” Ryan went on to say that even though he could see how the numbers would look good “on paper” but that once you “slice, dice, cherry pick and insist on measuring the unemployment rate differently than has been analyzed with Republican presidential administrations” the numbers don’t look as enticing.
“It’s one thing,” Ryan said, “if those numbers came from a Republican administration. Let’s face it, these are the exact numbers that Mitt Romney said we’d have the economy humming along at by the end of his second term, and technically we’d only be in our first time now. So in reality, these numbers show just how stupid our claims against the economy were, and it shows just how duplicitous we Republicans can be by dogging on numbers we’d have a full-on chub for.”
Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL), who has seen his presidential campaign generate a bit more buzz as of late, said that he “doesn’t trust any numbers from Democrats” and that he was willing to use a Republican National Committee issued credit card to take a trip to the Florida Keys to “discover through intense relaxation just how Obama is manipulating these numbers to make the economy look like it did eight years go.”
“It is highly dangerous for this Socialist administration to keep putting out good jobs numbers like this,” Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) said, “and I will now extend my Benghazi investigation to determine if Hillary Clinton in some way tampered with these numbers on the night of the attacks three years ago, and that it took all that time for her plan to come to fruition, like a slowly ticking time bomb. Something smells fishy, mainly because a Democrat is in the White House right now.”
Rubio said to reporters that what makes him most nervous about the jobs report is that “it could send a signal that Democrats actually don’t tank the economy like we say they do all the time.” The Florida Republican said that “when Americans stop believing that Republicans are better with the economy just because we dress nerdier and cherry pick our data in a way that makes you think we’re smarter than you, the Republican Party — and therefore America, because true Americans are only Republicans — is doomed.”