Obama’s Socialist Curse Worsens With Best Year for Jobs Since 1999!

He’s done it again, patriots! President Barack Obama — the Kenyan-Communist-Socialist-Sharia-Dictator duly elected twice with overwhelming popular and Electoral College vote counts — saw the economy add another 252,000 jobs in December of 2014. With over 60 consecutive months of positive jobs growth, it’s becoming more and more apparent what Comrade Maobama’s real intent is: Bring the country’s free market capitalist economy down by strengthening it in nearly every indicator possible. And not even the Lord Thy Republican-controlled Congress can stop Czar Obama from accomplishing his fiendish task!

It’s going to get to a point where the true American Patriotstm can’t possibly ignore or deny the numbers. We can keep picking at the fringes of it by talking about labor participation rates falling a couple tenths of a percentage point, and we can even keep casting doubt on the numbers just by reminding everyone that the numbers come from Maobama’s government, and we know we cannot trust any government that isn’t 100% controlled by Jesus Christ Almight’s Favorite Political Party. So it’s time to take a queue from our powerful, brave, bold, youthful, and energetic leader, Senator Mitch McConnell, and simply take credit for the economic “recovery,” even though we all know that no Democrat is actually an official president, nor are any positive economic outcomes attributable to anyone except whichever Republicans are currently in office.

If we’re not careful, the American people might start looking at their growing economy, looking at we staunch defenders of Genuine America-Land and wondering why it is we are trying to pass personhood bills blocking abortion access in the first week we take full control of Congress and not doing something about keeping the economy growing. I mean, we all know that the reason we are trying to keep babies getting borned is that God won’t let us have a good economy unless we stop murdering babies that aren’t developed enough to be sentient and are more often than not naturally aborted by way of miscarriage. But the godless jerkfaces on the left have many Americans convinced that body autonomy trumps religious fervor, so we have to deflect attention from our regressive behavior– er excuse me — defense of traditional American values.

When people read the headlines that 2014 was the greatest year for jobs growth since 1999, they will be convinced that must be good news for the country. But we have to remind them all that it’s only good news if a white, male, minimally 65-year-old, Christian conservative Republican is the president. Or at the very least, they cannot possibly be let to give Obama any credit for this economic turnaround we’re in the middle of.

We simply must take the McConnell approach and take credit for it. Sure, we blocked every piece of legislation proposed for six years by the president and his party. Sure, we talked incessantly for all those years about how badly the economy was doing, ramping it up to a fever pitch during the 2012 election (which we only lost remember because of “free stuff” and 47% of America wanting it). But we also know our constituents will literally believe anything we tell them — Benghazi, FEMA camps, Obama’s coming for your guns, you get the point. So we have them convinced already. Now all we have to do is keep the Democrats from voting in 2016 — er again, excuse me — secure the vote and ensure it is not tainted by voter fraud — and we should be able to reclaim the White House and then we’d have free reign over the entire U.S. government!

God Bless America! God Bless the Free Markets! And God Bless America!

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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