WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republican lawmakers in the nation’s capital are in what one source close called “a free fall of fear” this morning.
What has the GOP so rankled is the most recent jobs report, showing that in November 2015, 211,000 new jobs were added to the economy. Further destabilizing the Republicans’ mood is the fact that both the September and October jobs reports were revised upward as well. The unemployment rate stayed constant at 5% for the month of November, unchanged from the previous month’s mark, which was the lowest in years.
While economists say the jobs numbers are a sign of improvement, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said he has “grave concerns” over the numbers. “If this clearly socialist and communist administration is not stopped soon,” Ryan said at a prayer breakfast being held down the street from the rotunda, “we may see another few months of consistent private sector job growth.” That growth Ryan says, “fundamentally threatens the Republican Party’s mantra that Democrats ruin the economy,” and that, he says, “spells certain doom for America” because “Republicans rule, Democrats drool.”
“I won’t be as air you indicted as Speakership Ryan was,” Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) said, “so I’ll just shoot from the hip. I don’t care how many jobs are added, I don’t trust that socialist dictator in the White House!” Gohmert said he believes “the books must be cooked because history clearly shows that only Republicans in the White House are a) legitimate presidents and b) good comonizing.”
Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) said from the presidential campaign trail that he would like to see a “full-blown Senate investigation” into the numbers. “You tell me this,”Cruz demanded, “why come the president’s jobs numbers are looking better than George W. Bush’s? Why? This doesn’t make sense to good, clean, Christian, ammo-hoarding patriots, and I demand we get to the bottom of this.”
“I think it’s evident as all daylight that clearly Hillary Clinton knows something about these jobs numbers,” Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) said, “and I wouldn’t in the least bit be surprised if this is all related to Benghazi. And by ‘all’ I mean everything. The Declaration of Independence, slavery, the Wright Brothers, Magic Johnson suddenly not having HIV, the whole kit and kaboodle. And I will not rest until my committee exposes all the corruption at play.”
Reached for comment, Tim Smithers of the Bureau of Labor Statistics told our reporter, “We tabulated the figures the same way we have the last six years, and for the previous eight years before that. In fact, this is the same way we’ve been tabulating these numbers for literal decades.” When pressed for why he thinks Republicans are finding the numbers suspect, Smithers simply rolled his eyes and said, “Because they’re Republicans, I guess.”