WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the weekend, President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Africa) invited Democratic presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Senator Bernie Sanders to an undisclosed location, somewhere in the D.C. area to show them where he’s been storing all the guns he’s grabbed from unsuspecting Americans.
“I wanted to show them the combination to the lock on the front door,” Obama later told reporters at a press conference, “because no matter who wins the Republican nomination, chances are either Hillary or Bernie’s going to win the General Election and that means they’ll be in charge of protecting my legacy of gun confiscation.”
President Obama’s tour of the confiscated gun warehouse also included a behind the scenes look at just how the Obama administration performs its infamous firearm raids on American citizens.
“We showed them that the key to a successful gun grab,” Obama told the media, “was to first of course to divide the people against themselves. My personal strategy is to just exist, because I’ve learned over the last eight years from listening to Republicans talk about me that my mere existence is enough to divide this country. Next, you have to push for gay marriage and forced abortions on Christian Americans. Then you have to plot to make the death of a conservative Supreme Court — you know what? Some things we should keep as trade secrets.”
Obama also made sure to show Sanders and Clinton how to use the coffee maker, and he told them about when trash day is as the confiscated gun warehouse. The president would later tell members of the press corps that he was “delighted” to see both candidates taking “rigorous and copious notes.” He was worried, he’d later say, that if neither candidate seemed “into it enough” that he’d have to through with what he called “Plan B.”
“Let’s just say that I’m glad I won’t have to be declaring martial law and canceling the election,” Obama said, “and can concentrate instead on my Senate confirmation hearing for when I’m nominated to fill Scalia’s vacancy next year. Oh wait, whoops. Wasn’t supposed to let that cat out of the bag. Oh well.”
The president reportedly showed Ms. Clinton and Senator Sanders where the facility keeps its toilet paper, printer toner, and coffee supplies. Obama said “it’s the little details that make a gun confiscation not just possible, but efficient.”
A spokesman for the Donald Trump campaign said that their candidate wasn’t offended at all by not being invited to the warehouse tour.
“The Trump gun confiscation warehouse will be bigger, better, and way more winner-ish than the Obama gun warehouse,” a Trump spokesman said, “with yooge capacity to hold even yooger amounts of guns. But we’ll of course only be taking them from Muslims, for reasons and liberty and constitution and these colors don’t run.”