Obama Says He’ll Sneak Into Homes And Rub “In God We Trust” Off Money Once He Leaves Office

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Barack Obama will be ending his tenure in the White House in less than a month, and at a Thursday morning press conference, he talked with reporters a little bit about what his post-presidency plans include.

“Obviously, tons of golfing, am I right, Fox News,” Obama said, laughing, “but no, seriously, there is one thing I want to do after I leave the White House that I had hoped to get done as president but just couldn’t find the time, and plus conservatives were just so woke, so alerted to my ulterior libtarded motives that they stymied me at every opportunity.”

When he leaves office, Obama said he plans to take a copy of the master key every president gets to every U.S. citizen’s home with him. Then, he said he plans to systematically go into every single, solitary house late at night. From there, he plans to find people’s vaults, safes, and cash stockpiles in sock drawers and under mattresses.

“Then, I’m going to rub the ‘IN GOD WE TRUST’ off the bills and coins,” Obama said, “and I’ll write-in ‘Allahu Akbar’ while he’s at it.”

President Obama said he’d be “really curious” to see how President-Elect handles the newly defaced currency. Obama said that Trump’s proposed Muslim registry might apply to the pennies, dimes, quarters, and dollar bills he swaps out “In God We Trust” for “Allahu Akbar” on. Mr. Obama supposes that it’s an issue “for the courts to settle at that point.”

Asked by reporters if he’s afraid of running afoul of federal laws against the defacement of money, President Obama laughed again.

“I’m sure Republicans already know my answer to that one,” Obama said, “I’ve got a pen and a phone. I’ll just sign an executive order pardoning me for any and all future crimes I commit. Or barring that, I’ll just declare Marsha Law. That’s where my friend from high school, Marsha Johnson, gets to tell everyone what to do for four years, invalidating Trump’s presidency and keeping me in de facto power. Standard liberal downfall from within fare, really.”

Reached for comment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell surprisingly said he was “pleased” to hear the news of Obama’s plans.

“Over the course of eight years,” McConnell said, “you get really close with a guy. Even if you’re part of the machine that’s spinning lies about his birth status, or spend most of that time trying to stop any work he tries to do on behalf of the American people. It warms my reptilian heart to no end knowing he’s going to be out there for us to battle even after he leaves. It’ll be like coming home. I wish President Obama good tidings. Now, who has some iceberg lettuce for me to chew on?”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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