Obama Releases Shortlist of Scalia Replacements: All Muslim Americans

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House this morning issued what it’s calling a “preliminary, trial-balloon shortlist” of potential lower circuit justices President Obama is considering as Justice Antonin Scalia’s replacement. In what the administration is calling a “simple coincidence,” all of the names belong to Muslim American judges.

Scalia, who died last weekend and opened up a seat on the country’s highest court’s bench, was ideologically conservative, and his death makes the current makeup of the court a 50/50 split — four conservative and four liberal justices. The fight over who will replace Scalia started in the moments after his death was announced, when Senate Majority Leader vowed to block all nominations that Obama put forth. The president has maintained since Scalia’s death that he will fulfill his duty laid out by the Constitution to nominate a successor, and the list the White House released this morning is what they’re calling “the first steps in the process.”

“The president’s list does in fact contain only Muslim American judges,” one source close to the White House told us, “but that’s really a simple coincidence. The president looked over a list of candidates and chose the best ones, not taking anything other than whether they were good, fair and constitutionally-sound in their reasoning.”

Another Obama aide told reporters that Obama “only wanted the best person for the job” and that’s why he didn’t discriminate based on gender, race, or religious preference.

“Would conservative Christian Republicans freak out if he submitted a list with only white, conservative Christian men on it,” another source asked rhetorically, before adding, “the Constitution is very clear about there not being a religious test for any governmental office.”

According to some, Obama has several other lists he’s working on, and they have themes as well.

“He has an all lesbian list,” one source told us, “an all Latino or Hispanic list, and he also has a list of what he calls ‘Just For Lulz Candidates’ which includes people like himself, Bill Clinton, and a made-up guy called Ben Gozzi and he said he’s only going to bring that one out if they block his first nomination, which he assures us will fit right in with his left-of-center, 1990’s-era Republican vision for the country.”

Those lists will be released one a day until Obama makes his actual, official nomination staffers are telling the press. Obama wants to “keep the Republicans guessing,” one deputy assistant media liaison told reporters.

“We all know that he could nominate the Ghost of Ronald Reagan and Republicans would gripe about him being too liberal,” one very high-up source whose name rhymes with Loe Miden told us, “so we’re just going to have a little fun with everyone before we release the name of Barack’s pick. Until then, everyone should sit back and watch the conservatives in this country go into full hysteria.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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