Obama Offers To Personally Pay For Sean Hannity’s One-Way Ticket ‘Back To Whichever Asshole He Crawled Out Of’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — There are less than two weeks until Americans go to their polling places to help decide whether Donald J. Trump, Hillary Clinton, or the other three people so inconsequential to the race that we’re not going to mention them by name, will be President of the United States of America. With time running out before the election, tensions are clearly mounting for one very famous Trump surrogate — Fox News host Sean Hannity — and this week he lashed out, but not against Hillary Rodham Clinton.

As reported by Politico, this week Hannity offered to send President Obama anywhere in the world he wanted to go, including to Kenya.

“I have an offer for the president. I will charter a plane for you and your family,” Hannity said on his daily radio show. “I will charter it to the country of your choice. You want to go to Canada? I’ll pay for you to go to Canada. You want to go to Kenya? I’ll pay for you to go to Kenya. Jakarta [in Indonesia], where you went to school back in the day, you can go back there.” (source)

The inclusion of Kenya in the list of countries Hannity would send Obama seemed like a not-so-subtle reference to birtherism — the belief among some on the extreme right-wing fringe that Obama was born outside the United States and not eligible per the Constitution to be president. Though Hannity didn’t express any birther sentiments in this particular segment, he has in the past made many, many references to it on both his radio and TV shows. Apparently, President Obama picked up on the message this time, and at a press conference this morning he made a counter offer of his own to Hannity.

“I tell you what,” Obama sad, leaning on the podium as he addressed the press like a high school senior talking to teachers he knew he didn’t have to see again after graduation, “if Sean wants to give me a one-way ticket to Kenya, I’ll reciprocate.”

That’s when Obama said he would personally pay for a one-way ticket for Hannity and his family, as well.

“If Sean wants,” Obama said, “I’ll pay for the one-way ticket back to whichever asshole he crawled out of. It’s clearly a very smelly and stupid one. It’s also obviously where he gets roughly ninety-nine percent of his ideas and talking points from.”

Someone stunned by Obama’s loose demeanor and choice of words, the press simply took notes and kept recording what Obama said.

“In fact, I bet the idea to go all-in for Trump is an idea that probably came from Sean’s hind quarters,” Obama said, almost taking on the demeanor of a roast comic, “and now he’s lashing out at me. Hey, Sean, bro-to-bro — no one twisted your arm into going whole hog for the pig in an unconvincing hair piece. You built that.”

One reporter asked Obama if he thought it was appropriate for a president to use such harsh language about a member of the press.

“Sean Hannity is a journalist in the same way that I’m a Kenyan Communist Muslim Socialst Sharia Loving Abortion Doctor who is going to gay marry everyone,” Obama said, “for starters. Secondly, I guess after about eight years of borderline racist and assuredly untrue rhetoric spewed my way, I guess you could say my give a fucks have run out.”

Another reporter asked if Obama would use taxpayer dollars to send to Hannity back up into his own anus.

“Of course not,” Obama said, “though I suspect a huge swath of Americans would gladly volunteer for an eighty percent tax hike if they knew it was going to result in him being permanently stuffed inside his egomaniacal asshole. But no, I’m using my own money for this. I’d consider it an investment in all our futures, really.”

Hannity couldn’t be reached for comment.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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