SECRET SHARIA SOCIALIST COMMIE HEADQUARTERS, KENYA — Deep within a bunker miles below the surface of the Earth, former President Barack Hussein Obama has been closely monitoring the devastation and impact of Hurricane Harvey on the American Gulf Coast. This morning, word reached Texas Governor Greg Abbot’s office that Obama would like to help the Lone Star state recover as quickly as possible, and has offered the use of his personal, highly-trained, special mission force.
“Governor Abbot,” Obama wrote in an email, “I would like you loan the great state of Texas the use of my personal commando unit, the Jade Helm Commandos, in order to help you rescue your citizens and begin the rebuilding effort, for as long as you need them.”
Hurricane Harvey was the largest storm of its kind to make landfall on the continent. In just a matter of days, it has dumped trillions of gallons of water on the Gulf Coast. That sudden torrential downpour has left the infrastructure of the region in serious peril. Obama told Abbot he believes his commando force could be of “unequivocal value” in the efforts to restore and rebuild the surrounding areas.
“As your former Dear Leader,” Obama wrote, “I still have much sympathy for my Loyal Sharia Subjects. It would be my true honor to help.”
There are several “strategic and logistical advantages” to using the Jade Helm Commandos as a search and rescue team, Obama wrote.
“The Jade Helm Commandos, as you well know,” Obama told Abbot, “are quite familiar with the region, as they were trained to take over your fine state in a violent coup. So no need for you to print out extra Google map directions or anything like that.”
Abbot should have confidence in the unit’s abilities, Obama said, but should also feel confident knowing they will take a “back seat role” if needs be.
“The commandos are of course trained to be the leaders on the field of battle,” Obama writes, “but they will also gladly work hand in glove with the Texas state troopers as well as the national guard to ensure that those most impacted by the devastation are taken care of.”
Former President Obama also took the time to make some suggestions to Abbot about where to house and feed some victims of the hurricane’s destruction.
“Are the FEMA camps still up and running? That might be a good place to put people,” Obama suggested, “We were going to use it to imprison conservative Christians and force gay marriages on them, as one does, but you do you, Greg.”
At this time, Governor Abbot has not sent an official reply back to Obama. Sources close to the governor, however, say he’s seriously considering the offer. The White House has also not weighed in on Obama’s offer, though many expect President Trump to rage tweet about it shortly.
This story is developing.