WASHINGTON, D.C. — These days, rumors and buzz about possible collusion between the Donald Trump presidential campaign and Russia are rampant. Democrats and even many Republicans in Congress are calling for a special, independent investigator to get to the bottom of things, once and for all. This morning, one of the country’s foremost and most experienced constitutional scholars threw his hat in the ring for consideration to head-up any such investigation.

“Make no mistake,” former President Barack Obama said in a letter drafted to both houses of Congress, “I may have been a Democrat, but I can set that aside and for the good of the country investigate this very serious issue. After all, anyone with a lick of intellectual honesty in their bones will admit that for the most part I would have been considered a centrist Republican in any other era of American politics, so you know I can work with everyone.”

Mr. Obama’s letter indicates that he is a “Constitutional scholar and has a little bit of experience in the Oval Office,” which he feels gives him a unique perspective into the investigation. Obama insists in his letter that “even though the orange shit clown trolled me with a racist rumor about my birth for nearly a decade,” he can “take the high road” and lead an impartial and fair investigation. The former president even offered his services for free.

“I don’t need money to do a service for my country,” Obama’s letter states, “and besides, clearly establishment, so-called liberals are in no way going to call me out for my gratuitous speaking fees for Wall Streeters, so I got cash for days, y’all.”

Obama’s letter was co-signed by George Soros, the disembodied spirit of Saul Alinksy, and a copy of the Koran. Reached for comment, the White House has stated that they are “completely opposed” to this idea.

“The president feels it’s important that if there is going to be an invoost-invast-inveest-INVESTIGATION,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters, “that they at least be American, and not a Secret Kenyan Sharia Loving Muslim, as we all know Obama is. WE ALL KNOW IT!”

This story is developing.

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