Obama Making Preparations To Return Every Single Gun He Confiscated

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As his days in the Oval Office drew to their inevitable end, President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) was as busy as he ever was during his eight year tenure as commander in chief. When a president’s time in office comes to a close, talks of presidential pardons, handing off of power to the incoming president, and various other tasks still needing to be performed are discussed. Now that he has been out of office for two months, Obama has begun the process of handing back all the guns he confiscated from law abiding Americans during his occupancy of the White House.

“We’ve had a good, long run at this,” President Obama reportedly told his wife Michelle,  according to several sources close to the couple, “and now it’s time for the American People to get all those guns back that I personally stole from them. I’m even going to give back the ones I took with all those executive orders and the ones I stole during the forced FEMA camp placement during Operation Jade Helm.”

As part of a peaceful transition of power, Obama says it’s now “the natural time” to roll-back his gun confiscation efforts completely.

“Every good, clean, ammo-hoarding, true American Republican Patriot knows I took away probably millions, if not billions of guns from law abiding citizens,” Obama said, “but all good things must pass. I had hoped to hand off the keys to the secret confiscated firearm warehouse I had built in 2010 to either Hillary or Bernie, but Trump’s made it clear he has no agenda to pursue gun confiscation like I clearly did all eight years of my presidency.”

Obama told Michelle that he’s been inspired recently by PresidentTrump’s victory tour of states he won in the election, and has “taken a page out of Captain Orange’s playbook.” Mr. Obama plans to crisscross the country and personally hand back every single gun he took away from Americans everywhere.

“I mean, if I’m going to be personally sneaking into Americans’ homes at night,” Obama admitted, “and taking their guns with my own, bare black hands, then I owe it to the American people to look them dead in the eye when I hand them their glorious peacemaker or liberty lobber back. It’ll be a feel good moment for all of us, I think.”

Former-President Obama said that planning has gone well for what he’s calling “The Great Gun Redistribution,” but with a couple of minor snags.

“Well, a lot of people don’t know this, but Alabama passed a law in 2011 that barred me from traveling there once I leave office, unless I get a passport,” Obama said to Mrs. Obama, “so you’re flying out to Kenya right now on Secret Sharia Air Force Zero — because it’s before Air Force One numerically that way of course to get my birth certificate so we can apply for a passport and get the good patriots of Alabama their boom-boom sticks back.”

An estimate provided by the National Rifle Association shows that Obama took approximately “all the guns” and that he “would have taken more than all of them if the NRA and its members hadn’t been there standing over his shoulder the whole time.”

At the time of publication, there were only roughly 400 million guns in America left for the approximate 330 million Americans living in the country.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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