President Obama Having Copies Of FEMA Camp Keys Made For Hillary

WASHINGTON, D.C.  — Reporters in the nation’s capital recently stumbled upon President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) at the Home Depot nearest the White House. Obama was found in the aisle where keys are made, and when asked by the media, he said that he was making copies of the keys Hillary Clinton would need as president to lock and unlock various gates, doors, and confiscated gun warehouses located in FEMA camps around the country.

“Make no mistake,” Obama said as he chose a fun, Disney-themed key blank for the Home Depot employee to use, “the next president will have to carry out Order 666, since it appears I will not be able to. And Lord Alinsky’s spirit has ordered me to make copies of these keys so that Hillary can do just that.”

Obama said that Order 666 was the “quadruple-hardcore-super-duper-classified” executive order that only he and the right-wing conspiracy theory industry knows about. It dictates that all “Alinsky Acolytes” report to the nearest FEMA camp in their town, where they will be issued nets to capture Americans to be brought back to the camps. There, the captured citizens will be stripped of all their guns and be forced to either get a gay marriage or perform an abortion.

“She won’t be able to open the doors to the camps without a key,” Obama said, “so Master Alinsky’s ghost figured since I’m a lame duck president and Congress is out campaigning right now, I might as well come down here and get some keys made.” Obama said he’d also be picking up some disinfectant wipes and a new set of sprinkler valves for the White House, since he was already going to Home Depot anyway.

President Obama also plans to show Mrs. Clinton the secret map to America’s underground communist railroad per George Soros’ request. Obama told reporters he “may or may not” have time to show her the combination to the safe in the White House where the “Marshal Law” orders are kept, but he does plan to show her where they keep the extra kitchen garbage bags. The pass code for the drone flight operation room will be given to Mrs. Clinton just before she’s sworn-in next January.

“Hillary Clinton is going to do a wonderful job as president,” Obama said, “and she will most certainly carry out the directives I was not able to. Comrade Clinton is someone I trust not only with the secret plans to shred the Constitution, I know she will do the right thing and immediately declare the presidency null and void and hand power right back to me, Emperor Obama. Muahahahahaha!”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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