Republican ‘Disappointed’ Obama Didn’t Mention Grabbing Guns In His DNC Speech

HOBART, ARKANSAS — Even though he’s a staunch conservative and lifelong Republican who is supporting alleged billionaire Donald J. Trump for president, Clem O’Connell says he always watches the Democratic National Convention every presidential election year. Clem says he does this to “see how the enemy thinks.” This year, he was most interested in hearing President Barack Obama address the DNC, but after watching the president deliver his speech, he says he knew “something was missing.”

“Why didn’t he talk about all the guns he’s grabbed, and will continue to grab right up until next January,” Clem asked, a wad of tobacco peeping out from lower lip. Clem said it was “disingenuous and false” of Obama to not mention his efforts to “nullify the Second Amendment” and “take everyone’s liberty lobbers from them.”

Mr. O’Connell helps to run several alt-right Facebook pages with names like “Super-Unbiased (But Still Totes Biased) America,” “Being A Classical/Obsolete Liberal,” and “We Are Money Worshiping Capitalists.” Over the last seven years he estimates that 90% of what he’s posted has been solely centered around gun rights and “the left’s war on our freedom to carry whatever weapon of war we want because freedom and reasons.” He says that he believes Obama would have already “gotten all the guns” if it wasn’t for people like him and his friends making sure everyone knew to “stay on high alert” on gun control issues.

“Obummer was up there for like an hour,” Clem said, “and he didn’t mention his efforts to grab all the guns once. He didn’t talk about his secret warehouse he built in FEMA Camp 1. He never once mentioned the fact that he hates the Second Amendment and wants to take White-Out to it. It’s just another example of his lawless, lazy, communist, Sharia, Kenyan socialist views getting in the way of honesty and integrity.”

Clem says that “all good God-fearing, ammo hoarding patriots” know that the Second Amendment is under “constant threat of attack” from liberals, no matter how much gun sales have skyrocketed since Obama’s been in office.

“Some would argue that after seven years if Obama had really wanted to curb gun ownership sales would have gone down,” Clem says, “but those people forget that after every mass shooting, the NRA does a damn fine job of reminding us that there aren’t nearly enough guns on the streets yet, and that if we don’t buy them up right now, Obama will order them all melted down to create a Mosque literally in the middle of the White House lawn.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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