Obama Can’t Guarantee He Never Heard N-Word

SECRET SHARIA BUNKER, SOMEWHERE IN KENYA — Deep within his specially designed Sharia Bunker, former President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) issued a statement regarding the “N-word” and whether or not he ever heard it used while he was in office.

“On the subject of the most offensive word in English language,” Obama said, “I mean besides ‘freedom,’ ‘America,’ and ‘guns,’ of course, I cannot promise you that I never heard it. Unfortunately, I cannot guarantee with any certainty that it never got hurled at me while I was in power.”

In a written statement, Obama said that presidents should never use the word, but that he wasn’t trying to “throw gasoline on the cross fire Trump’s got burning.” Obama’s letter is just an attempt by him to “set the historical record straight.”

“I know there’s been a lot of buzz and hubbub over a president using that word,” Obama said. “Which is understandable. It’s a word that has been mostly culled from our collective consciousnesses. But sadly, I can’t promise you that you’ll never hear a story about someone calling me that word.”

Obama said that it wasn’t very difficult for him to be exposed to the word throughout his eight years in office.

“All I had to do is go to Breitbart or a right-wing Facebook group, then I’d see it plenty,” Obama wrote.

Mr. Obama reiterated several times that he has never heard Trump use the offensive word personally. Though, he did make one caveat to that statement.

“I mean, I never personally heard Donald say it,” Obama wrote. “Though ‘Show me your real birth certificate’ sure seems to have an implied ‘nigger’ in there somewhere to me.”

Reached for comment, The White House said they are “looking into” whether Obama had to surrender his First Amendment rights once he left office.

“We’re not entirely sure Obama is allowed to have an opinion,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters today. “We’re looking into that.  As a Democrat, he barely had constitutional rights to begin with. We know for certain that if certain activist liberal judges hadn’t rubber-stamped the 13th and 14th amendments, we’d have a lot more options to shut him up.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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